


A Broken Connection

by Olivia_Mockingbird



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Assisted Suicide, Character Death, Death, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Heartbreak, Hurt, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Lightsabers, POV Rey (Star Wars), Star Wars References, The Force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:28:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 41,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6594778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olivia_Mockingbird/pseuds/Olivia_Mockingbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey and Kylo Ren try to figure out where they stand in relation to one another after she brings him back from the dead. This work is based off of “A Collision of Stars” by dustoftheancients (The_Hollow_Bones). All credit goes to her. I was simply inspired by her amazing story. I strongly suggest you read “A Collision of Stars” before this, but it can be read on its own. This story diverges from the original after Chapter 23.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 (Rey’s Perspective)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Hollow_Bones (dustoftheancients)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustoftheancients/gifts).
  * Inspired by [A Collision of Stars](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5704957) by [dustoftheancients](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustoftheancients/pseuds/dustoftheancients). 



Talzin was dead. 

The Nightsisters were no more. 

The imminent threat was gone. 

They had their sabers back. 

There was one shuttle.

But she didn't need it, the resistance was coming for her.

She didn't think Kylo would kill her, but they couldn't continue to be allies without a uniting cause. She would run. Kylo would leave and go back to his master. She would be rescued and return to Ach-To to complete her training- 

His master. The nightmares after Starkiller Base. Would those happen again if Kylo failed to bring whatever object she supposedly had?

Were those dreams real? Had he really been tortured continuously for that long? The thought made her sick.

But Kylo had already failed once, what would happen if he failed this time?

_Do you know what it feels like when the person you're Force bonded with dies?_

She was startled by the question. _No._ She began to get up, to run for it. She couldn't - wouldn't kill him - she’d killed enough, but she wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him to kill her.

_Relax, I haven't wanted you dead for a long time. But Snoke wants you and whatever God-forsaken object he thinks you have- ___

“That's why you teamed up?! To make sure I was alive to take to Snoke?” she couldn’t help but shout indignantly.

“No, I have no plans to take you to Snoke, _Scavenger._ I just have no interest in you dying. And I have no interest in dealing with the pain Snoke will subject you to because you’ll project it on to me. I don't need it in addition to what he doles out on me.”

_The torture was real. He did that to you because of me._

_No. He did that because I was weak._

_You're protecting me from him._

_Don't read too much into it Scavenger, I'm just avoiding additional pain._

_Won't he torture you for failing to bring me and the object?_

_No._

_What?_

_He won't torture me._

_You asked if I knew what happened if your bond mate died. If you go back without me, without the object, he'll kill you._

_Yes._

_That's suicide._

_Well, I've always been weak. Not strong enough to stay light. Not strong enough to fully commit to the dark. I wasn't lying when I said I was being torn apart. I thought killing Han would make me stronger. It just fractured me more. Snoke knew that. He also knew instead of killing you I offered to teach you._ “Weak.”

“He set you up to fail.”

“And?”

“Why would you go back?”

“You've felt him. He's in my head. He'll find me wherever I go. If I go back without the object, without you it'll be over.”

_And I'll be stuck with a broken connection._

“You'll go back to Luke, he'll teach you how to close it off.”

She never realized how badly she didn't want him dead. The connection had become a comfort. He had become something akin to a friend. He was broken and corrupted, but not evil. 

She didn't know what to do with her hands so she fiddled with the ring in her pocket- the ring.

“What if you went back with the object. If you brought the object but not me, what would happen?”

“Why would you want that? Neither of us know what it is, but Snoke wants it which means it would be very bad for the resistance if he got it. And we don't even have it.”

“Yes we do, at least I think we do.” She pulled out the ring. “I found this with our lightsabers. I forgot I had it, but it's probably it.”

“Again, why would you give it to me? It's bad for your cause.”

“Because, believe it or not, I don't want you dead.”

“I don't want it.”

“What? Snoke wants it and you need it to stay alive.”

“I don't want it.”

_You want to die._

_Can you blame me?_

“Come with the resistance, we can protect you, we could destroy Snoke together.”

“Ha.” He barked out a sharp laugh. “There's no protecting me from Snoke. Even if there was, the resistance is worse. You seem to have forgotten _who_ and _what_ I am. A _murder_. A _monster_. I _slaughtered_ all the padawans, nearly _killed_ your friend FN-2187, I _tortured_ your best pilot, and to top it off I stabbed Han Solo, my own _father_ , the General's husband, through the _heart_. I will gladly endure whatever Snoke has in store for me as long as I don't have to ever look the General in the eye. I'm a coward, I can't face her, not after what I've done.”

“So now what?”

“Well I'm assuming you've contacted the resistance from my ship and that they're coming for you.”

“Yeah…” she didn't know why she felt guilty.

“Then I'll stay until you're off the planet and go face Snoke.”

“Why would you want to stay on this planet, you can go?”

“I'd rather not leave you here alone.”

“I can handle myself.”

“I know.”

“So why not leave?”

“Snoke doesn't have as strong a hold on me here due to the nature of this planet. This is the only type of reprieve I've gotten from his presence since I was six years old.”

“Six?”

“I may not live up to my Uncle or Grandfather, but they were both very powerful force wielders. Snoke wanted one and I had an enviable legacy, so he's been grooming me as soon as he could sense me in the Force.”

“So you want a few peaceful moments before your torture and death?”

“Is that too much to ask?”

“Just take the ring, he'll torture you, but you'll live.”

“I will _not_ bring that to him. If he wants it and he gets it, it'll only bring death and destruction.”

“And you don't want that?”

“No! I didn’t want _any_ of this! I'm _done_. I know after what I've done I don't deserve it, but I just want peace. I just want nothingness because it is better than feeling how I feel.”

“How is that?”

“Guilt. Regret. Pain. Sorrow. Loneliness. Remorse. Han Solo touching my face as he fell to his death had been the first kind touch I've had since the General sent me to Luke.”

She couldn't help but guiltily stare at the scar etched across his face. The one _she_ had given him.

“He _loved_ you. Even as you pulled the blade out of him, he _loved_ you.”

“You don't think I _know_ that? You don't think I see that _every_ time I close my eyes? Regretted it _as_ it was happening?”

Rey was quiet.

“Rey…”

“Don't call me that.”

_Scavenger._

“What?”

“I can't do it. I can’t go back to Snoke.”

“So come with us.”

“No. I need you to kill me. Right here, right now.”

Rey stood up. _“What?”_

“Scavenger, please. If you feel anything other than contempt for me, _please._ End it. I'd much rather be dead here by _your_ hand, away from Snoke, without pain.”

“I can’t… I won’t."

He stared at her intently; that same unreadable expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it and turned away.

He stalked back and forth for a bit. Stopped in front of her and grabbed her wrists. Not tightly. Almost tenderly and stared her intensely in the eyes.

In a soft low whisper he said, “ _Please_ , I need your help.” 

Rey took a step back. She looked him up and down. He stared at her with such desperation and despair. She remembered the torture he went through. She made up her mind.

“I'll do it.”

He nodded. She took out his grandfather's saber and he stood in front of her, almost relaxed.

He kept their connection shut. But the intensity he met her eyes with showed his steely resolve.

She ignited the blade and pushed it though his chest. She had to reach around to his back for leverage to push it all the way through.

In their strange embrace, Kylo looked down and met her eyes.

He smiled a little "Thank you, _Rey._ " 

She deactivated the saber and pulled away. He was heading towards the ground without her support. She caught him by the shoulders and laid him down in the clearing.

Tears were freely streaming down her cheeks. She laid down head lined up to head with him. She had never felt more spent. He was breathing shallowly as the life and the Force escaped him. 

Then he let his defenses down. It could've been because he was feeling weak, but she _knew_ it was purposeful.

She felt his gratitude, inner-peace, and relief. She watched as he replayed his entire life before them. Running around the Falcon with Han and Chewie. Practicing with the bowcaster Chewie eventually shot him with. Lando teaching him how to use a blaster. Training with Luke. His final moment with his father. His love for his mother. He wanted her to know he was sorry. And then it was her. Awe and wonderment. Her name repeated over and over. _Rey._ Him imagining his name on her lips.

She wanted to make that one come true. 

She turned and whispered "Ben Solo" in his ear.

He pictured her face. She saw herself through his eyes. She was beautiful, powerful, unattainable, pure, perfect. 

And then there was _nothing._

He was _gone._

And it was like her heart had been gouged out. She howled in pain. She sobbed and screamed his name over and over again. _Ben._

She searched for his signature.

A supernova on the edge of collapse.

But there was _nothing._

_Nothing._

She grabbed their sabers, the ring, and she roughly dragged Kylo's body to his shuttle. She couldn't leave in this, it surely had a tracer, but she preferred to not be in the open. She stripped him of his cloak and laid him down on the bench. She closed the hanger door. She had no idea what to do with the body, but she would not leave him on Dathomir. 

She realized he must have had a tracker in him as well. She used the Force to search for it. It was in the inside of his arm, she couldn't disable it. That would draw the attention of Snoke, so she stripped him of his shirt. She gasped when she saw his chest. There was the huge starburst scar from the bowcaster, but the most surprising was the amount of scars covering his chest and arms. He had been cruelly tortured and based on the looks of it, for most of his life. She hated to add another wound, but she used the Force to draw it out. She reopened the ramp and threw the tracker out of the shuttle. Once the shuttle was securely locked again she placed his shirt back on. She put a force shield around him to prevent decay.

She looked to his cloak. She wrapped it around her self tightly. It made the ache in her chest feel less jagged.

She couldn't stop staring at his face. He looked so at peace, no scowl, no pain. He looked younger. His face was truly beautiful. Even with the scar. She ran her fingers over it. 

She traced the pattern on her own face.


	2. Chapter 1 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

Talzin was dead.

The Nightsisters were no more.

The imminent threat was gone.

They had their sabers back.

He could leave. 

But he didn’t have whatever godforsaken object Snoke sent him on a suicide mission for. And the scavenger. He needed to bring the scavenger.

She most certainly would not come with him willingly. He couldn’t blame her. She’d felt Snoke in his head. Felt his insidious grip on her own mind. Felt the pain.

He couldn’t- wouldn’t bring her to Snoke - he didn’t want to ruin her like that. He would return alone.

Snoke would not be happy.

_Do you know what it feels like when the person you're Force bonded with dies?_

The scavenger startled at his question. _No._ She began to get up, to run for it.

He almost chuckled, she still though he wanted her dead. He’d never truly wanted that. But, then again he was a monster. _Relax, I haven't wanted you dead for a long time. But Snoke wants you and whatever godforsaken object he thinks you have-_

“That's why you teamed up?! To make sure I was alive to take to Snoke?” she shouted indignantly.

“No, I have no plans to take you to Snoke, Scavenger. I just have no interest in you dying. And I have no interest in dealing with the pain Snoke will subject you to because you’ll project it on to me. I don't need it in addition to what he doles out on me.”

_The torture was real. He did that to you because of me._

_No. He did that because I was weak._

_You're protecting me from him._

_Don't read too much into it Scavenger, I'm just avoiding additional pain._

_Won't he torture you for failing to bring me and the object?_

_No._

_What?_

_He won't torture me._

_You asked if I knew what happened if your bond mate died. If you go back without me, without the object, he'll kill you._

_Yes._

_That's suicide._

_Well, I've always been weak. Not strong enough to stay light. Not strong enough to fully commit to the dark. I wasn't lying when I said I was being torn apart. I thought killing Han would make me stronger. It just fractured me more. Snoke knew that. He also knew instead of killing you I offered to teach you._ “Weak.”

“He set you up to fail.”

“And?”

“Why would you go back?”

“You've felt him. He's in my head. He'll find me wherever I go. If I go back without the object, without you it'll be over.”

_And I'll be stuck with a broken connection._

“You'll go back to Luke, he'll teach you how to close it off.”

She stayed silent, fiddling with her hands.

“What if you went back with the object. If you brought the object but not me, what would happen?”

“Why would you want that? Neither of us know what it is, but Snoke wants it which means it would be very bad for the resistance if he got it. And we don't even have it.”

“Yes we do, at least I think we do.” She pulled a ring. “I found this with our lightsabers. I forgot I had it, but it's probably it.”

“Again, why would you give it to me? It's bad for your cause.”

“Because, believe it or not, I don't want you dead.”

“I don't want it.”

“What? Snoke wants it and you need it to stay alive.”

“I don't want it.”

_You want to die._

_Can you blame me?_

“Come with the resistance, we can protect you, we could destroy Snoke together.”

“Ha.” He barked out a sharp laugh. “There's no protecting me from Snoke. Even if there was, the resistance is worse. You seem to have forgotten _who_ and _what_ I am. A _murder_. A _monster_. I _slaughtered_ all the padawans, nearly _killed_ your friend FN-2187, I _tortured_ your best pilot, and to top it off I stabbed Han Solo, my own _father_ , the General's husband, through the _heart._ I will gladly endure whatever Snoke has in store for me as long as I don't have to ever look the General in the eye. I'm a coward, I can't face her, not after what I've done.”

“So now what?”

“Well I'm assuming you've contacted the resistance from my ship and that they're coming for you.”

“Yeah…”

“Then I'll stay until you're off the planet and go face Snoke.”

“Why would you want to stay on this planet, you can go?”

“I'd rather not leave you here alone.”

“I can handle myself.”

“I know,” he didn’t want to admit why he wanted to stay on Dathomir - to stay with her.

“So why not leave?”

The girl would not leave well enough alone. “Snoke doesn't have as strong a hold on me here due to the nature of this planet. This is the only type of reprieve I've gotten from his presence since I was six years old.”

“Six?”

“I may not live up to my Uncle or Grandfather, but they were both very powerful force wielders. Snoke wanted one and I had an enviable legacy, so he's been grooming me as soon as he could sense me in the Force.”

“So you want a few peaceful moments before your torture and death?”

“Is that too much to ask?”

“Just take the ring, he'll torture you, but you'll live.”

“I will _not_ bring that to him. If he wants it and he gets it, it'll only bring death and destruction.”

“And you don't want that?”

“No! I didn’t want _any_ of this! I'm _done_. I know after what I've done I don't deserve it, but I just want peace. I just want nothingness because it is better than feeling how I feel.”

“How is that?”

“Guilt. Regret. Pain. Sorrow. Loneliness. Remorse. Han Solo touching my face as he fell to his death had been the first kind touch I've had since the General sent me to Luke.”

She stared at the scar etched across his face. The one she had given him.

“He _loved_ you. Even as you pulled the blade out of him, he _loved_ you.”

“You don't think I _know_ that? You don't think I see that _every_ time I close my eyes? Regretted it _as_ it was happening?”

Rey was quiet.

“Rey…”

“Don't call me that.”

_Scavenger._

“What?”

“I can't do it. I can’t go back to Snoke,” he couldn’t live like this. He loathed himself, what he had become.

“So come with us.”

“No. I need you to kill me. Right here, right now,” he knew he’d only find peace in death.

Rey stood up. “What?”

“Scavenger, please. If you feel anything other than contempt for me, _please_. End it. I'd much rather be dead here by _your_ hand, away from Snoke, without pain.”

“I can’t… I won’t."

He stared at her intently. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it and turned away. He needed her to do this. 

He stalked back and forth for a bit. Stopped in front of her and grabbed her wrists. He was careful not to cause her even the slightest pain. Her skin was smooth. He stared her intensely in the eyes.

In a soft low whisper he said, _“Please,_ I need your help.” 

Rey took a step back. She looked him up and down. He stared back. He was desperate.

“I'll do it.”

He nodded. She took out his grandfather's saber and he stood in front of her. He was relaxed

He kept their connection firmly shut. But met her eyes to reassure her of his decision.

She ignited the blade and pushed it though his chest. She had to reach around to his back for leverage to push it all the way through.

In their strange embrace, Kylo looked down and met her eyes.

He smiled a little "Thank you, _Rey."_

She deactivated the saber and pulled away. He was heading towards the ground without her support. She caught him by the shoulders and laid him down in the clearing.

Tears were freely streaming down her cheeks. She laid down head lined up to head with him. He wondered why she was so willingly close to him. He was breathing shallowly as the life and the Force escaped him. 

Then he let his defenses down. Purposefully.

He wanted her to feel his gratitude, inner-peace, and relief. He replayed his entire life for her. Running around the Falcon with Han and Chewie. Practicing with the bowcaster Chewie eventually shot him with. Lando teaching him how to use a blaster. Training with Luke. His final moment with his father. His love for his mother. He wanted the general to know he was sorry. And then it was her. He wanted her to see herself through his eyes. Her name repeated over and over. _Rey._ He imagined his name on her lips. His true name

She turned and whispered "Ben Solo" in his ear.

He pictured her face. He had to show her what she was. She needed to see how beautiful, powerful, unattainable, pure, and perfect she was.

He was losing energy.

He wanted to take one last good thought out of this world with him.

He decided on hearing his name. Hearing Rey, the scavenger, the survivor, say his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was bored and decided to rewrite Chapter 1 from Kylo's perspective.


	3. Chapter 2 (Rey’s Perspective)

She sat there for who knows how long, wrapped in his cloak, waiting for the resistance. Poe showed up along with the General and others she didn't know. Finn, _thankfully_ , was not there. The craft landed next to Kylo's. When she opened the ramp and walked out, Poe immediately picked her up and swung her around. When he put her down and saw the look on her face he stepped back.

“Are you alright?”

She didn't respond.

Obviously she was not alright

Her bond mate was _dead_. She could feel his absence and it _hurt._

When the General saw his ship she knew either Kylo was dead or he had turned to the light. The look on Rey's face told her he was gone.

When Rey finally spoke, it was logistics. “I have some things on the ship that need to go back.”

The General nodded and Poe followed her to retrieve her belongings. She took off the cloak and covered Kylo before Poe could see who it was. She clipped both sabers to her belt and pocketed the ring.

“I need to take that back with me.” She pointed to Kylo’s body

Poe raised an eyebrow, “Ok? What is it?”

“I just need to take it back.” She was frustrated, she was tired, and she was near tears. 

Poe went to help her move him, realized it was a body, and immediately tore the cloak off. He took one look at the face and dropped the cloak.

Rey honestly didn't know what she thought would happen. It was obviously a body. She quickly bent down and recovered the cloak and softly wrapped him in it.

“Why the _hell_ are bringing Kylo Ren’s body back with us?”

“He comes with us.”

“He's _dead_.”

“I'm _not_ leaving him here.”

“He probably has a tracer.”

“I already removed it.”

“He's an _enemy._ ”

“He's the General's _son_. And I'm alive because of _him_. He's coming with us.”

“That doesn't change the fact that he's a _monster_ , a _murderer_ , and an _enemy._ ”

Rey crouched into a defensive stance and slipped her hand to her saber. Poe immediately backed up.

“Whoah, _what_ are you doing?”

“You have _no_ idea what this place is like or what we went through. He _comes_ with us.”

_“Fine.”_

They walked down the ramp. Leia saw that they were carrying a body and knew immediately it was her son. Thankfully, she didn't say anything.

They tried to make her get medical attention, to sleep, to eat, to drink, to use the fresher, to talk. She refused. Instead she sat mutely next to Kylo's body. She needed to make sure nothing happened to him.

When they got back to the base, Finn was waiting for them to land. He tried to hug Rey as she walked off, but she brushed past him. Never taking her eye's off of Kylo. 

“General?”

“Yes?”

“What are you going to do with his body?”

“Deal with it quickly. He may have done horrible things, but he was still my son. We’ll bury him. It won’t be public. No marking with his name, I don’t want people defiling his body.”

“No, put him in stasis. Make sure nobody touches him.”

“Why?”

“I'm taking him to Ach-To.”

“Ach-To?”

“I'm going to finish training with Luke and I need to take him with me.”

“Ok, but you should get medical attention and rest up first. Finn has missed you like crazy.”

Why did everyone keep mentioning Finn? She had more pressing matters. Once she was sure Kylo’s body was secure in stasis she took his cloak and went straight to the fresher.

She didn't bother with her clothes. At this point they were caked on and she just walked in under the scalding hot water. She sat in the corner and cried. She let the water and soap clean his cloak and she finally peeled off her clothes. She washed her hair and scrubbed herself raw. 

She stepped out and threw out her clothes. She quickly dried the cloak and pulled her hair into her typical three buns. She didn't have any clothes with her so she just wrapped his cloak around her.

She wandered into medical and they put her in a gown while they patched her up, got her hydrated, made sure she ate, and monitored her over night. She knew Finn would want to speak to her so she requested no visitors aside from the General. She could feel Finn pacing outside, a bundle of obtrusive nerves that just made her even more brutally aware of the absence of her connection. She asked for sleeping pills. 

It was the first night she truly slept since arriving on Dathomir. When she woke up, they discharged her. 

She was first given new clothes to change into. The same type she was first given by the resistance. She didn't bother asking for warmer clothes. She had Kylo's cloak.

She knew she couldn't avoid Finn, but she was still aggravated to find him right outside the med bay.

The first thing he did was squeeze her too tight while she weakly returned the gesture. He ignored her lack of enthusiasm. Instead he tried to interrogate her about Kylo and why she didn’t want him to come rescue her. 

She honestly didn't know how to explain, but more importantly she was mad at him. He was acting like she should've run into his arms and let him take care of her the moment she arrived. _Actually,_ he thought he should've been the one to get her from Dathomir. She was just trying to keep him _safe._ But now she was thinking the way he was behaving now would've made it worth the risk. He wasn't acting like her friend. He was acting like he _owned_ her.

He let go of her and backed off, she then realized she'd been standing slack in his arms for a number or minutes. 

She snapped back into it. “Sorry, I've just… I’ve had a rough time.” Her voice cracked.

He nodded sympathetically 

“He's the General's _son_ and Luke's _nephew_ and there were witches who shouldn't be left with anything force related. They use the planet’s corrupted force enough.” She lied, most of the Nightsisters were gone but she didn't feel like explaining her relationship to him. That she actually kept his body, his saber, and his cloak because his absence was destroying her mentally.

“That makes sense, but you're safe now. We should destroy the saber, and burn the cloak along with his body.”

She pulled out of his embrace. “No.”

“What?”

“I have to give it all to Luke. There are rules about this.”

“Ok…I'm just glad you're back.” He pulled her back in. “When do you want to go visit Luke? You should rest for a few days first but then we can go to Ach-To and finish this Kylo Ren business.”

She pulled away again. “ _Visit?_ I'm going back. I need to finish my training. I'm leaving as soon as I can.”

“No, you can’t."

“I can’t?" She was getting angry again.

“We just got you back, we were all worried sick. Just stay for a week at least.”

She calmed down, he just missed her. She missed him too. Kylo's temper apparently wore off on her. She knew he would've laughed. Instead it just made her feel empty.

Rey spent the next three days on base. The blood red oppressive sky of Dathomir had nothing on how smothered she had felt the last couple days. 

At least on Dathomir she hadn’t been wracked with guilt. She hadn’t had part of her connection to the Force cut off. She hadn’t felt anywhere as empty and alone.

Part of her missed the near death experiences, especially compared to the treatment she received on base. She hated being treated as a victim. She was a _scavenger._ A _survivor._ The only person who had ever treated her as an equal was Kylo.

She was sick of being coddled and she desperately needed to see Luke. She needed his help. But the General and Poe wanted to make sure she was physically and mentally sound before she left for Ach-To. What they didn’t know or understand was that without Luke’s help, she couldn’t be mentally sound. The open wound that was her severed connection with Kylo was a constant reminder of how alone she was and it caused her physical pain, a part of her had been carved out. 

Finn, on the other hand, straight up refused to let Rey out of his sight.

Rey had finally convinced the General to take the Falcon and leave at the end of the week. Unfortunately that meant Poe knew and he, for all his good qualities, could not keep a secret for his life. Which meant Finn knew. 

As soon as Finn found out he became even clingier, something Rey hadn’t though to be possible. At first it was flattering; it was nice to be wanted and missed compared to being left on Jakku. Now it was grating on her nerves. She never had physical affection growing up. Once she became friends with Poe and Finn she got over her initial aversion to hugs and whatnot, but she still was not a very affectionate person.

Two nights before her departure she decided that she would rather be alone and go to bed earlier than usual instead of staying up late with people almost physically draping themselves over her. 

She managed to shake Finn off. She couldn't deal with him, not right now. She turned the corner and ran into Poe making his way to the Mess to sneak food into his room.

He tilted his head and looked her up and down, “You ok?”

She was about to nod her head yes, but she wasn’t ok, not in the slightest. “No. I’m not ok. I’m not ok at all.”

Poe was silent for a beat. Then he spoke, “Rey, what happened on Dathomir?”

Rey explained her Force bond with Kylo. She recounted everything that had happened, from crash landing on Dathomir to the death of Mother Talzin. Then she paused. The experiences she described had been traumatic, but the final moments with Kylo were still an open wound that showed no signs of healing.

Poe sat in thoughtful reflection. Then he reached out and squeezed Rey’s shoulder. He studied her and noticed the tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

“Rey,” Poe began softly, “how did Kylo die?”

Rey slowly turned to face Poe. “I killed him,” she admitted.

“Oh.”

“He asked me to.”

“He asked you to?”

Rey nodded.

“I’m guessing the torture techniques Kylo used on prisoners were honed from the far more brutal ones Snoke performed on him.”

“Yes.”

“I knew Ben when we were kids”

“You did?” 

“Yeah. The way you describe him… as terrible as the things he did were… he was being manipulated as a child. I saw the changes occurring within him. I never realized. He never had much of a chance, did he? I know you feel guilty, but that was an act of compassion. I’m proud of you. And I’m the tiniest bit proud of him. You should be too.”

“I am. The last words he ever said were ‘Thank you, Rey.’” And the last words he ever heard were, ‘Ben Solo.”’

“I know its hard, but he died peacefully. He died as who he truly was. You have to try to move on from here.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“We were Force bonded to each other.”

“Yeah, but now the connection is gone, right?”

“No, the bond didn’t die with him. We’re bonded through the Force. As long as there is the Force, we’re bonded. But he doesn’t exist as a person anymore. I have an open connection with the Force. And I can _feel_ it. I can _always_ feel it. There is a black hole where he used to be because his signature was like a supernova to me. It won’t heal because it can’t. And I can never move on. That bond will always be there.”

“So you guys were basically soulmates?”

Rey let out a dry laugh, “Yeah, in a way. That’s why I need to see Luke. Kylo and I were able to shut each other out, but I was always aware of his presence. Now there isn’t anything to block, but I am acutely aware of his absence. I need Luke to teach me how to firmly shut the bond.”

“Then let’s get you to Luke.”


	4. Chapter 2 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

Kylo, for as arrogant as he was, had no expectations that he would manifest himself in the Force after death. He had researched how, after all he was curious about why his Grandfather spoke to him, but never materialized like Obi-Wan or Yoda. He knew that you had to be in agreement with the Force to do it, Dark or Light. 

Vader turned shortly before his death, so he wasn't truly aligned with either side strongly enough to manifest himself completely. And Kylo was constantly torn apart by the Force, he had no chance. Death was it for him, eternal nothingness. He was relieved when he took his last breath.

He was at peace for five glorious seconds before the Force came back and wrenched him out of the void. He supposed he deserved it, his actions didn't warrant eternal nothingness. 

He risked opening his eyes, expecting to torn apart by the Force for eternity. But the didn't happen, he appeared to be in what could only be described as limbo.

As he turned, the scene sprung up around him, he was in the cockpit of the Falcon. He took a sharp breath. This wasn’t possible.

He wandered through the ship that he still knew like the back of his hand. But it was empty, so he returned to the cockpit to watch hyperspace fly by. He went to sit in the copilot seat, but it was taken.

He sat down in his father’s spot instead and looked at his companion.

"We need to chat about who you were actually talking to when you were meditating with my mask,” his grandfather said as he turned to face him. It was the first time he saw his grandfather in the Force, and he was dressed like a Jedi.

“I’m sorry Grandfather, I failed you, I was too weak to finish what you started.”

"Darth Vader doesn't exist, I am and forever will be Anakin Skywalker and only Anakin Skywalker."

"Then who? Who spoke to me?"

"I think you know the answer to that."

Snoke. Of course it was Snoke. It was always Snoke.

"If you're cemented in the Light side, why didn't you come to me?"

"I tried, that pull to the Light, that was me. I desperately tried to stop you from making the same mistakes I did, but by rejecting the light, you rejected me and I couldn't connect with you."

Kylo buried his face in his hands. He'd always had doubts about the path he'd chosen. The destruction of the Hosnian system particularly troubled him. And now he had confirmation. It hurt more than he thought it would.

"So, when people die, that isn't the end? We just live on?"

"You could say that. When you die you become one with the Force, with training, if you're Force sensitive you can manifest in the corporeal universe, if not you remain within the Force. The reason Force visions are possible is because the Force preserves the past the present and the future within in it. Anything that has happens or could happened is within in it. Those who are Force sensitive can tap in and see it. And those who die are part of the past and therefore preserved, but we can really do whatever we want except influence the future. That's strictly up to the living."

"So my father is here somewhere?"

"Yes"

"Can I see him, talk to him?

"That depends kid, are you gonna run me through with a lightsaber again?" The gruff voice of Han Solo snarked from behind him.

He turned around, but couldn't make eye contact. His grandfather disappeared into the Force, and Han sat down in his place.

"Hey kid, look at me."

Kylo glanced up.

"I forgive you."

"What?"

"No hard feelings."

"But I… I…" he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Murdered me? Yeah I know, I was there. But I know why you did it. I know you had to do it. And I'd do it again."

"You're insane, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, where do you think you got it from?"

He looked at his father, "Why would you do it again? It's my greatest regret, I'd do anything to change it."

"Because if you didn't, we wouldn't be here right now having this conversation. I wouldn't get to tell you that you're gonna one have one more chance to go back, and that you're gonna take it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that scavenger that you're in love with,-" 

Kylo felt his face turn redder than Hux's hair, "I'm not-"

"Yes you are, you've been in love with her since that saber went to her instead of you." 

Kylo opened his mouth to deny it. He'd been obsessed with her, yes, but only because she'd beaten him and left him with a very permanent and obvious reminder. He asked her to join him, but only because it would please Snoke. He protected and strengthened the bond they had because it made it easy to reach out to her, but only for logistical reasons not because just being near her Force signature of near pure light was calming and something he craved. He couldn't love her because it hurt to much knowing that she'd never love him back. He simply said, "What about Rey?"

His father smirked at his use of her name. "Well, she and your uncle are going to bring you back and you'd better not mess it up this time."

"Why would they do that? It's better that I'm gone, for everyone."

"As much as I'm glad to have you here, because I wasn't lying, I miss you, you have unfinished business that only after going through this will you be ready to take care of."

"But why'd I have to kill you for that to happen? Why'd I have to die for that to happen?"

"Because otherwise you would've never owned up to your admittedly colossal mistake and you never would've severed the connection with Snoke."

"What do you mean the connection with Snoke is severed?"

"You feel like you're being torn apart right now?"

He didn't. Snoke was absent from his mind. But as relieving as that was, he was terrified of something else, "If the connection between Snoke and me is permanently severed because I died, what about my connection to Rey?"

"Yeah, sure you definitely don't love her…Snoke used the Force to create his connection with you, but your connection to Rey was forged by the Force itself, it can't be severed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some inspiration by procrastination and have figured out how to move this story forward. It's gonna be slow going though.


	5. Chapter 3 (Rey’s Perspective)

Rey had never felt more gratitude towards anyone than she had for Poe right now. She was relieved he didn't hate her for the bond she had, but she was more grateful for that fact that he packed for her and was heading to General Organa's quarters with her, her bag slung over his shoulder. She needed someone to vouch for her sanity.

Leia looked up as they entered the room. Her eyes flicked to Rey's red rimmed eyes where more tears threatened to fall. Her face softened.

"It'll be ok, we'll start making preparations for you to leave right now."

"But it's getting late." Rey managed to breathe out.

"This takes precedence, besides you're going to be taking some sensitive cargo, it's better to do it with less people around. Poe, you'll fly alongside her in an X-Wing?"

"Sure, Gen-"

"I don't need an escort, I'll be-"

"It's just a precaution Rey, I don't want you ended up crashed and stranded on a remote planet _again._ "

Rey closed her mouth, she had a point, and at least she would be going with Poe. She didn't want to have to explain her situation again. It was too painful.

She made sure her lightsaber as well as Kylo's saber were clipped to her belt and grabbed her pack which she promptly dropped. _What was even in this thing? She could shove every last one of her earthly possessions into this and it still couldn't weigh this much._ She yanked it open and rummaged to bottom of it. Her fingers grasped onto a surprisingly soft but sturdy fabric. Kylo's cloak.

She had never wanted to take it off, but people would ask questions she couldn't answer, so she hid it. But once she was on the Falcon she could wrap herself up in it again. The corner of her lip quirked up slightly and she buried the cloak in her bag again.

She headed towards the hanger. She'd never been there when it wasn't milling with people. Her steps echoed loudly as she walked to the Falcon. She could here Dr. Kalonia, the General, and Poe coming her way. She opened up the ramp, ran to drop her bag on the floor of the cockpit before heading back out to help maneuver what she assumed was a stasis chamber, but really looked like an opaque bacta tank, on board.

Once Kylo's body was secure Dr. Kalonia left and Rey hugged Leia tight. "Thank you, _for everything._ "

"Of course Rey."

Leia walked down the ramp and Rey strapped herself in. 

Poe's voice crackled in, "You ready?"

"Absolutely."

They shot off into hyperspace.

What felt like an eternity later, Rey had Kylo's cloak draped over her and she was touching down on Ach-To without a single complication.

Poe smoothly landed next to her and clambered out of the X-Wing. She wondered why he was so eager but then she remembered that he hadn't met Luke Skywalker who was patiently waiting for them on the shore.

He turned around, blue eyes twinkling, "About time you showed up."

"Master Skywalker, sir, it is a huge honor to meet you," Poe rambled while executing what appeared to be a bow.

"There's no need for that Poe, call me Luke and it's a pleasure to meet you as well. Rey's told me that you're a particularly talented pilot."

"I mean, I'm _alright,_ I guess."

Rey actually had to stifle a laugh; Poe Dameron was the second cockiest person she knew and he was reduced to an awestruck child at the sight of Luke. But then she remembered who the cockiest person she knew was and the wound left by their broken connection ached. 

Poe turned towards Rey, "It looks like you're in good hands, so I'm gonna head back to base. And I'll tell Finn not to worry too much."

Rey flung her arms around him, partially because she would miss him, but also because she didn't want him to see the horror on her face when she realized _she hadn't even said goodbye_ to Finn. "Tell him I'm sorry I left so unexpectedly and that I'll miss him." She mumbled into his shoulder.

"You got it."

They ended their embrace and she stared up at the sky until she couldn't see his X-Wing any longer. Then she turned towards Luke who was staring at her solemnly.

"Help me," she whispered.

Luke nodded and they both went into the Falcon to retrieve Kylo. Luke didn't ask what happened. She supposed the look on her face was explanation enough. 

Luke used the Force to carry his body to the top of the cliff while she trudged behind them.

When they reached the top, Luke placed Kylo in one of the spare huts on the island. The wind had picked up so she buried her hands in the cloak's pockets. Her knuckle jammed on something hard in it. She hurried to pull it out. 

It was the ring from Dathomir.

"Where did you get that?" Luke had exited the hut and was looking at Rey with apprehension.

"I found it…on Dathomir. It belonged to the witches. Apparently Snoke is after it." She held it out for Luke to examine.

"Do you know what it does?"

"No. And I don't care," she knew she sounded petulant, but she didn't care about that either, "I don't care about anything. All I can focus on is this gaping wound that I gave myself. I need you to help me get rid of it."

"I could do that. Or I could tell you why Snoke wants the ring and how we can use it to our advantage."

She just looked up at him, so he continued, "Snoke's greatest fear is death. Basic, I know, but this fear has consumed him entirely. Which makes him desperate for any way to ensure his continued existence. Including this ring because this ring allows the wearer to travel between the Force and the universe at will."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean whoever is wearing this ring can become one with the Force temporarily before returning to their body."

"No…"

"Do you still want me to teach you how to close it off?"

Rey felt like she couldn't breath, "He can come back?"

"Yes"

"I just have to put it on his finger and he'll come back?" It sounded too good to be true.

"In theory, yes, but he has to want to come back-"

"Give it to me, he's _going_ to come back." She snatched the ring back out of his hand.

She ran to the hut Kylo was in and jammed the ring onto his finger. She held her breath. 

Nothing happened. 

She exhaled.

He was going to come back. He had to.

Still nothing happened.

She kept waiting.

She refused to move. She waited years for her family. She would wait for him.

But still nothing happened.

The sun set and she started to get frantic. She needed him.

The sun rose and she was hysterical. She had gotten her hopes up. She should've known better. 

Her emotions were flying around so fast she couldn't catch even one to figure out how she felt. So she screamed and beat his chest with her fists, the stasis chamber had repaired the hole she left him with. Tears were streaming down her face, her hands were bruised, and her voice was raw. 

She kneeled back on her haunches trying to reel herself back in. It wasn't working.

She finally leaned forward, wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into his chest.

She was shaking so severely that she didn't feel another heart begin to beat. But hers stopped racing and fell into time with his.

She did notice when he took a breath. 

She shot up and stared.

His eyes cracked open.

"Oh thank _God!"_ She cried as she threw herself over him. 

"Rey?" He managed to choke out as their connection began to burn bright again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm trying to space out how often I update since my periods of inspiration are sporadic and I'm prone to long stretches of writer's block and I don't want to leave you all hanging. 
> 
> But, I'm also incredibly impatient and excited to share my story with you, so here's the next chapter. 
> 
> I promise to not abandon this fic, even if I go a while without posting.
> 
> Finally, thank you so much for all your kind comments, they make my day <3


	6. Chapter 4 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

Time moved strangely within the Force. Kylo didn’t know how long he’d been in the Falcon with his father, but it seemed he spent a considerable amount of time in comfortable silence with his father.

It was nice, peaceful. He didn’t want to leave, so when the Falcon fell away and he found himself alone on an island, he was disappointed. He knew he must be on Ach-To. 

He pointedly ignored the tether that pulled him back towards his body. He hoped that Rey - no, the scavenger, she was just a scavenger - would give up so he could merge with the Force again.

Hours passed and he still couldn't manage to leave, so he sat on the edge of the cliff and waited for her to let him go.

He hated that she was in pain, but he knew Luke could teach her to close off the connection.

He didn't need to come back. It would ultimately be better for everyone if he didn’t. 

But as the sun rose over the horizon he heard the scavenger let out an anguished wail. Curiosity got the better of him as he was compelled to the source of the noise. 

She appeared to be trying to _physically_ beat life back into him.

He could feel the pain she was in. It radiated off of her in harsh waves.

He realized his father was right, he was in love with her. He would always go back to her because even though she couldn’t love him, she still needed him. He would do anything for her.

Once he accepted this truth, he easily slipped back into his body.

It felt larger, heavier than he remembered. Had it always been so hard to take in a breath? His lungs expanded slowly, but he was finally able to take in enough oxygen to exhale.

There was a sharp intake of breath, he slightly opened his eyes. Colors were too vibrant in the physical world and he was slightly afraid of what her reaction would be.

He didn’t get to see much before there was a blur of chestnut hair flying into his face as the scavenger shouted “Oh thank _God!”_

He managed to force his vocal chords to say “Rey?” as their connection began to burn bright again.

That wasn’t right. He couldn't call her Rey, she had to be _the scavenger_ because it made it easier to deny his feelings. He owed her that, he wouldn’t allow himself to darken her any more than he already had. She deserved so much better. He closed his eyes and tried to figure out how breathing worked.

Her reaction, the way she threw herself over him, the relief in her voice made him forget his promise. But as she pulled away he remembered who and what he was and that her relief was due to the reestablished bond that was humming around them. The pain she felt due to his absence must have been immense for her to react this way.

The bond they had was back, he wouldn't try to break it off, but he could retreat from it. It wouldn’t hurt her, but the more he distanced himself from her, the better it was for her. 

He still had to face Snoke, to try to bring him down. _That_ was his purpose. He had already been honed into a weapon, now he was going to use that to do the one thing that could do to atone for his actions. It was in no way even, but it was the best he could do. He could never take back what he’d done, but he could at least stop the cycle.

He could feel the scavenger trying to pry into his mind. Not with malicious intent, but she was trying to grasp their bond while he kept pulling it out of reach.

“So, what should I call you, _nephew?”_

His eyes flew open to look up at his uncle who was studying from above. 

Of course, the scavenger had obviously told Luke that he’d asked her to call him by his true name. But he didn’t deserve to be called it. Ben Organa-Solo was dead, he wasn’t lying when he told his father that on Starkiller. He would carry the name Kylo Ren for the rest of his life.

“Kylo. My name is Kylo, master of the Knights of Ren.”

The scavenger visibly flinched and stopped trying to reach out for their bond.

He stood up. The scavenger scrambled backwards, but Luke didn’t move, even as Kylo towered over him. He didn’t look at him though. He was staring at the scavenger as she backed herself into a corner of the room.

It was better if the scavenger still thought of him as a monster. It was familiar for both of them, her wanting to kill him, and him fighting back enough to stay alive without harming her.

“So that change of heart, that was just a special occasion saved for death?”

He spun to face his uncle, “No,” he hated how his voice wavered. “No it wasn’t, but that doesn’t change _who_ I am,” he bit out. He was pleased to see the ache in his uncle’s eyes. 

The scavenger was frantically scrambling against his mind. He firmly shut his mind off from her. She gasped and her eyes widened. But as he skimmed through her feelings he didn’t find hate, only fear. Fear of him, but also _for_ him. He didn’t deserve her concern.

She had his saber clipped to her belt, he considered calling it to him, but decided against it, it could wait until he figured out how to leave.

He had no delusions that he could return to the order without being shot on sight. The only reason Hux hadn’t had him murdered was because the Supreme Leader would’ve tortured him to death, but now that Snoke lost his connection with him, he was sure that he wasn’t considered worth the effort to be drawn back in.

He still had his knights though. Their loyalties were to him first and he could lead them against Snoke. The resistance could take care of the rest of the order if he gave them all the information that he had learned form Hux.

But as of now, he needed to get off this planet. He could call on his knights, but he wouldn’t lead them to this planet. He needed to make sure that Rey remained safe - no, _the scavenger_ \- he needed to make sure _the scavenger_ was safe, so the fewer people that knew about Ach-To, the better.

“Then what _does_ it mean?”

Kylo sighed, “It means there’s been a change of plans and it’s best that you’re _not_ a part of them.” He turned and walked out of the hut. He didn’t like being stuck in such a small space.

“You saw him, you saw Han while you were gone.” Luke had followed him out.

He glared at his uncle, wind whipping his hair around his face, “We’re not talking about this old man.”

“Fine, we won’t talk about your father, but where exactly do you think you’re going? I’m sure you can tell that the only other people on this planet are Rey and me.”

“You’re going to take me to the next star system, drop me off any hospitable planet, and _leave.”_

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you don’t want the Knights of Ren coming here.” 

“Are they coming to rescue you or take you back to the First Order?”

“They answer to _me,_ not the Supreme Leader.”

“Is it really fair to call him leader at this point? You stopped calling me Master _long_ before you decided to tear apart the new Jedi order.”

Kylo felt his anger rising. Was the old man _trying_ to provoke him? His uncle should’ve known that was a bad idea. He stretched out his arm and called for his saber. The scavenger let out a yelp. He didn’t ignite it once it was in his hand, just pointed it at Luke. 

He knew his eyes were wild. He knew he looked terrified and unsure. He missed his mask. That’s why he wore it. He felt too much and his face mirrored that. The mask wasn’t so much as a fear tactic as it was a way to compensate for what was apparently one of his _many_ weaknesses.

He could see the scavenger sprinting towards the two of them. Her mind was racing and her defenses were down which made it so easy to simply freeze her in place like he had on Takodana. Luke made no effort to move.

“So what’s your plan Ben?”

He glanced over his shoulder, he could see the Falcon by the shore. He knew the scavenger couldn’t swim and even with all her skill scaling wrecks on Jakku wouldn’t be able to beat him down. He wasn’t worried about out pacing Luke.

Still holding Rey in place, Kylo clipped his saber to his belt. He took a deep breath and flung both through the air with the Force. Not hard, but enough to set them back. While they were still scrambling to their feet, he had already jumped off the cliff and dove into the water.

He was grateful that the scavenger had taken his cloak, it would’ve weighed him down. 

He began to swim towards the outcrop of rocks the Falcon was landed on.

But then the scavenger decided to do something incredibly stupid. He had hoped in vain that the splash behind him was Luke, he wouldn’t have to worry about him drowning. But the desperate gasps getting further away from him clearly belonged to her. 

He considered leaving her there. He deserved the pain of living with a broken connection. But his entire body convulsed at the idea.

He swam back towards where she last was. She hadn’t surfaced in a while. He was starting to get concerned. This could not be happening. She couldn’t drown. She couldn’t die doing something so stupid. Why would she have done that in the first place? 

He ducked under the water. The salt stung his eyes as he opened them in a vain attempt to search for her. He could feel the strand connecting them pulling him down towards her. He came up for air and then propelled himself under. 

The relief that flooded through him when he finally grabbed onto her arm was over powering. He dragged her up to the surface. She hadn’t even taken off his cloak before jumping in after him. He might’ve laughed if she had been breathing. But she wasn’t, so he swam frantically towards the shore, one arm wrapped around her.

As soon as they reached land, he realized that she hadn’t jumped. Luke had pushed her over. He knew he wouldn't let her drown and it’d give him enough time to reach the Falcon. 

Except he hadn't gotten to her soon enough.

He began compressions to try and save her. It was only after she had coughed up copious amounts of water that he rounded on Luke.

“You _pushed_ her?! She can’t swim! She could’ve _drowned-”_

“She didn’t drown. You saved her-“ Luke was excessively calm.

“You put an awful lot of trust in the fact that I’d go back for her.”

“I wasn't wrong.”

Kylo didn’t have anything to say to that. There wasn’t anything he could say. Luke was right. And he was still breathing hard. He settled with just glaring at him while he pushed his wet hair out of his face.

“I’ll make you deal, you don’t try to escape, I don’t push Rey off cliffs.”

“That doesn’t seem fair.”

“It’s not, but neither is abandoning Rey after she brought you back.”

Kylo’s lips pressed into a hard line, “It’s for the best,” he muttered.

“Shouldn’t she be the judge of that?”

“No, no she shouldn’t, because she makes terrible decisions like bringing me back.”

“She was in pain-“

“You could’ve taught her how to close off the connection!” he was shouting now.

“That wouldn’t have helped her.”

Before Kylo could ask what Luke meant, he was cracked on the back of the head with the butt of a lightsaber.

Pain blossomed behind his eyes as he turned around to look at the scavenger. He immediately regretted it.

She pounced on him, sending them both to the ground, her fists were flying as she tried to punch every inch of his body. He didn’t try to stop her. It took him a moment to realize that it wasn’t just ocean water dripping from her face, she was trying to blink back tears. “How _could_ you?” she choked out before punching him square in the jaw, drawing blood as he bit down on his lip.

She stood up and dragged him with her, yanking him by the collar of his tunic. She was seething. “You don’t get to just _leave_ like that,” she hissed.

He stepped out of her grasp, wiping the blood from his mouth, and drew himself up to his full height. “It’s better if I’m not around, trust me.”

Kylo faced his uncle again, “You still gonna try and keep me here?”

Luke, for his credit, simply opened the ramp and walked in. Kylo stepped forward.

“Stay.” The scavenger’s voice was small, especially compared to how forceful she’d been before. 

He turned around. He couldn’t deny Rey anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, today is Thanksgiving in the US, and I am thankful for all of you wonderful readers. Especially 13oct, Xocmg A_Winter_Rose, and iscriptikus. I am also thankful for “A Collision of Stars” by dustoftheancients (The_Hollow_Bones) because my fic wouldn't exist without it.


	7. Chapter 5 (Rey’s Perspective)

He was _back,_ he was actually back. She had tried to connect to their reestablished bond, but she hadn't been able to grasp it. It kept slipping just beyond her reach. 

He was reeling it away from her - closing himself off from her.

She was confused at first and then chastised herself for thinking he actually changed.

But he _had,_ she could _fee_ l it.

And then he had tried to leave. 

She hadn't appreciated being pushed into the water by Luke, but she understood why he did it.

What she didn't understand was why Kylo was distancing himself from her. They needed each other. She needed him. But he refused to let her in, he wouldn't even look her in the eyes.

She was livid. After everything that had happened he wanted to leave. She had attacked him. It wasn't as satisfying as she had thought it would be, partially because he didn't even try to stop her, he just took it, literally lying down.

And then he had said that it would be better if he was gone. 

She watched as he walked towards the Falcon. Didn't he know that she needed him? That she- she wasn't sure what she felt for him, but it was consuming. 

"Stay," she hated how forlorn she sounded. 

He turned around, finally looking her in the eyes. That unreadable expression crossed his face again. She desperately wished she could access their bond, to just get a glimpse of his thought process. 

She didn't know how long they stared at each other. She could feel how torn he was, even without the bond. 

Finally, he nodded.

Luke stepped out from the shadow of the Falcon. She watched him as he began the trek back up to the top of the island.

She shivered. She was soaking wet and the wind had picked up. 

Her eyes flicked back to Kylo. She didn't know how he could just stand there in water logged clothes and not react to the cold air around them. 

_You know, if you took my cloak off, you'd actually be warmer._

She felt her cheeks flush as much as they could given how cold she was. But her embarrassment was trivial compared to the fact that he'd finally spoken through their bond.

She took advantage of the opportunity to immerse herself in it and slip into his mind. To get any sense of what he was thinking.

_Stop it, scavenger._

She paused. He called her scavenger. It hurt more than she cared to admit. 

_It's Rey. My name is Rey._

He didn't respond.

"Say my name," she demanded.

_Why?_

_I don't need a reason to want to be called by my name and not just referred to as some lowly scavenger._

She could almost hear him sigh in exasperation. She was tempted to grab him again, to shake him until he let her in again.

_Why are you shutting me out?_

She didn't really expect an answer. He never gave her completely honest ones on the few occasions he did answer her.

_I'm doing you a favor. Trust me._

"Trust you?! Why would I trust you? You just tried to abandon me!"

He looked hurt. "That wasn't my intention…" he muttered.

"Then what was? Because leaving me on this island _is_ abandoning me!"

"It would be for the best."

"You keep saying that, what does that even mean?"

He swallowed hard and opened his mouth. "I-" he cut himself off. He refused to look at her, instead fixating on some spot above her head. "I need to keep you safe."

That clearly wasn't the whole story, but it was the best explanation she was going to get. "Safe from what? I can handle myself."

"Safe from me." 

He looked sad and something in her crumbled.

_I'm not afraid of you._

_I know. That's the problem. You should be. You should hate me._

She stepped forward and tried to reach for his hand, but he took a step away from her, staying out of her reach. 

_Why?_

_I'll ruin you._

She could feel his turmoil. He looked composed, but his emotions were bleeding though their bond. As painful as it was, part of her was pleased that she could feel him again.

_Don't you know-?_

She didn't know how finish the question. 

_Know what?_

His emotions were calmer. His expression was softer, but still unreadable as he looked at her and took a small step forward.

_I…I need you._

Need seemed like the safest word to go with.

He rocked back on his heels, eyes shifting back to that spot above her head again. He was reeling his emotions back in, but he didn't close himself off from her. 

He looked back down at her, a resigned look on his face. _I know, Rey._

He used her name. She offered a small half smile.

He didn't return it, instead moving to follow Luke up the cliff.

She didn't follow. She did, however, heed his advice and remove his cloak.

After leaving it to dry on the rocks, she clambered down to wade in the water.

She knew it was shallow and that she could safely let the ocean tug her under. 

She was terrified of dying surrounded by water, but as long as she could feel the rough sand under her feet, she loved immersing herself in it. She loved the way it muffled the world around her. It calmed her.

Well, it usually calmed her. Today, it only reflected the upheaval around her.

A wave pulled her feet out from under her, sending her into the water. She knew she should get up, go to her hut, put dry clothes on. But once she did that, she’d have to face the problem that Kylo posed. So she decided to just close her eyes and float on her back.

She slipped into meditation. Her space was peaceful, but she could see Kylo’s signature in the corner of her mind. She was tempted to reach out for it, but she restrained herself. She would be satisfied with simply knowing he was still there.

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed by the time she opened her eyes. The only reason she opened them in first place was because a shadow had suddenly crossed over her and refused pass. Luke was looking curiously over her.

If he was expecting her to say anything or to move in the slightest, she was determined to disappoint him. Instead, she closed her eyes and tried to slip back into meditation.

“Rey…” Luke began softly.

Refusing to let her calm feeling dissipate, she settled letting out a “Hmmm?” as means of answering him.

“He needs your help.”

Still keeping her eyes closed, she replied, “No.”

“No?”

Finally opening her eyes, “No.” She pushed herself up to her feet, “I’m not helping him.”

“Why not?”

 _“Because,”_ she sighed, “he does not _want_ my help.”

“He desperately wants your help. But a combination of pride, which he got from his father, and his desire to protect those he deems worthy of his protection, which he got from Leia, has led him to distance himself from you.”

“And what do you expect me to do about that?”

“You’ll figure it out,” he said before leaving her to stare at his retreating figure.

She hated it when he gave her those vague answers. It apparently ran in the family. 

She fought down the urge to shout at him and demand he tell her what he meant as she trudged out of the water. It wouldn't get her any clearer answers.

She debated just staying down at the shore and sleeping in the Falcon, but she really was cold and needed a change of clothes. So she flung Kylo’s cloak, now dry, over her shoulder and began her hike up the cliff.

After she redressed and had her arm wraps in place she picked up his cloak. She held it out, appraising it. As warm and comforting as it was, she didn't want to wear it in front of him, it was his property anyways. 

So she folded it over her arm and followed the thread that connected them to what was apparently his hut. 

She walked in. He was meditating, his back to the door frame. His shirt was hanging from the rafters, so the scars that covered his back were on full display. She had seen the ones that covered his chest, shoulders, and arms. Those had been hard to stomach. These were worse. She could see the starburst from the exit wound left by Chewie’s bowcaster, the circle left by her lightsaber when she impaled him, and then there were ones she didn’t know the cause of. 

They had been deep wounds, lashes she recognized. She had seen slaves on Jakku, had seen their owners whip them, seen the lacerations left behind. His back was covered in them, some that were probably around a decade old, some only weeks old. At least half of them had to have cut to the bone. It was barbaric, she knew his master had tortured him, but she had thought is was purely through the Force. This was somehow worse.

_Didn’t anyone ever teach you? It’s rude to stare._

He didn't seem mad. In fact, as he stood and turned to look at her, he looked peaceful. She averted her eyes, embarrassed to have been caught looking at his scars. She regretted it, now she was staring at the numerous scars that covered his chest. She looked down at the black fabric in her hands.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I should’ve knocked…I wanted to give you this back,” she offered him his cloak.

He made no motions to take it. She could feel him leaning in, staring at her. As soon as she flicked her eyes up to look at him again, he was practically on the other side of the room.

“Keep it.”

“What? No, it belongs to you.”

He waved his hand, “Yours now.”

“But-“

“I already told you, you need to wear warmer clothes.”

“Right,” she bit out. She moved towards the doorframe.

_Rey?_

She decided to ignore how pleased she was to hear him say her name through their bond. _Yeah?_

_What was that ring? Skywalker took it back from me, but it was the one you found on Dathomir right?_

_Yeah, it was. It’s how we brought you back._ It was partially true, he _was_ the one who told her it was possible. 

_He said you brought me back._

_And?_

_Why?_

It was a fair question. She could’ve had Luke teach her how to close off the connection, but she leapt at the opportunity to bring him back. Because she… she needed him. It was as simple as that. She needed him, nothing more.

_Because I need you._

_You’ve mentioned that before. Why, why do you need me?_

His face had that same soft unreadable expression again as he leaned towards her. He was close enough that she had to crane her neck to see his face. 

She focused on his scar. Remembered how angry she had been. Remembered why she’d given it to him. 

_Because you made me weak._

He stepped back from her. She expected him to be angry, to destroy the building around them. Instead he just nodded, a small sad smile on his face. He turned away from her and dropped back into meditation. 

She stared at his scars a moment longer and then left.


	8. Chapter 5 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

She was treading dangerous waters. He hated how how she refused to understand, how reckless she was being. The more he pulled away, the more she chased. And she wasn’t even aware she was doing it. She wasn’t aware of a lot of things.

Every time she reached across their bond, tried to connect was a new type of torture. He’d never been one to show restraint and she was testing his limits carelessly. It was nearly impossible to step away when she’d reached for him. 

Even when she had said that she _needed_ him, nothing more, it still took every ounce of self control he had to walk away and leave her standing on the shore.

He caught up to his uncle quicker than he had hoped he would. He was not remotely prepared for this conversation. Yet, it was preferable to be up here speaking with the man that he had utterly betrayed than down there with her.

“Glad you decided to stay.”

“You’re just glad you were right.”

“A bit of both really.”

“Why does it matter old man?”

“If you’re using old man as an insult you should know it won’t work. It’s thanks to you that me becoming an old man is an accomplishment.”

Kylo stayed silent. He had a point. He also forced him to think back to that night. He had killed so many of them. He had trained with them, grew up with them, and he’d slaughtered them without a second thought.

He was startled out of his thoughts when his uncle clapped his non-robotic hand on his shoulder.

“It’s ok Ben.”

“No, it’s not! It will _never_ be ok. I’ve killed so many, too many. Why? Why would you bring me back? You can’t have _honestly_ thought this was a good idea?”

“I don’t know if it was a good idea, but it was the right thing to do. And either way, I didn't have a say in the matter. This was all Rey.”

“You helped her, this is still partially on you.”

“Actually, I didn’t help her at all. It was her and that ring you’re wearing, which by the way, I’d like to have.”

He ripped it off his finger. “Here, take it, maybe use it on someone who deserves it next time.”

“You don’t deserve it?”

He was ashamed to feel tears prick behind his eyes. He was determined not to let them fall. He couldn’t be weak. “Not in the slightest.”

“Rey thinks so.”

“Rey acts on instinct. She does what she needs to do to survive.”

“And you are one of things she needs.”

“She needs me to stay away.”

“Why?”

“I’ll destroy her.”

“She’s strong.”

“She’s _good_. What is the cost of me staying? What parts of herself will she lose? I’m not good. I murdered my own _father-“_ he choked out.

He gripped his lightsaber. His self-loathing was threatening to crush him, he needed to destroy something. 

“Go, meditate. I get the feeling you haven’t done it properly in some time.”

He loosened his hold on his saber. He tried taking in deep breaths. It didn’t work and he gripped the lightsaber tighter. Then he looked to Skywalker. There was no anger, no fear, not even disappointment in his eyes. Just concern. He exhaled. He wouldn’t destroy another sanctuary set up by his uncle.

He stalked off to the hut that he’d stormed out of earlier. His pants were relatively dry at this point, his shirt however, was still uncomfortably wet. He stripped it off and hung it from the rafters. He dropped to the floor, facing the wall.

He took the position that his uncle had taught him when he was younger. As soon as he slipped into his meditation, he snapped out of it gasping for air. He had been a padawan again and felt his teenage self run him through with a lightsaber. He eased back into it. This time he was a different padawan that he had murdered. 

As he emerged shaking, he realized that before anything else could happen, he would witness every atrocity he committed from the victims’ perspective. He would remember their names, feel their pain and fear, and he would carry it with him. That was his penance.

He was trying to enter meditation again after witnessing himself cut down Lor San Tekka when he felt her hovering. He immediately relaxed.

She was studying him, cataloging the scars across his back. He felt her revulsion when she realized that he had been whipped.

_Didn’t anyone ever teach you? It’s rude to stare._

Her embarrassment was palpable. She averted her eyes from his face when he turned around. Her cheeks turned even redder before her eyes settled on the black fabric in her hands.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I should’ve knocked…I wanted to give you this back,” she offered him his cloak.

He was curious as to why she was so uncomfortable. She knew he’d been tortured. He unconsciously leaned forward as he tried to figure out what she was thinking. She shifted on her feet and he jerked back towards the other side of the room.

“Keep it.”

“What? No, it belongs to you.”

He waved his hand, “Yours now.”

“But-“

Remembering what he had said to her on Dathomir he reminded her, “I already told you, you need to wear warmer clothes.”

“Right,” she bit out. She moved towards the doorframe.

He didn’t want her to leave yet. _Rey?_

_Yeah?_

_What was that ring? Skywalker took it back from me, but it was the one you found on Dathomir right?_

_Yeah, it was. It’s how we brought you back._

_He said you brought me back._

_And?_

_Why?_

She was silent across their bond for a beat before answering. _Because I need you._

He already knew that. _You’ve mentioned that before. Why, why do you need me?_

He leaned towards her again. He was close enough that she had to crane her neck to see his face. He wasn’t sure what she'd do. Wasn’t sure what he wanted her to do. He watched her focus on the jagged scar bisecting his face. He could feel her access her anger and hurt.

_Because you made me weak._

He stepped back from her and nodded. She didn’t hate him, but hopefully anger was enough to make her stay away from him. He turned away from her and dropped back into meditation. Happy to face what he had done. He’d rather feel the pain he had caused others than the pain he’d caused himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating the plot, but that last chapter was just begging to be written in Kylo's perspective.
> 
> Shoutout to 13oct, Xocmg, and gigimarie for their comments that are just too kind and giving me ideas to move this story forward.


	9. Chapter 6 (Rey’s Perspective)

She was frustrated to say the least. She knew that he was antagonizing her on purpose. Trying to make her angry.

And it was working. She wanted to shred apart his mind and make him see that he was being an idiot. But she shouldn't want to do that to anyone. So she kept her distance, like he wanted. 

And yet, night after night, she would wake up to arms wrapping around her waist and holding her against an impossibly broad chest, soft hair tickling the back of her neck as he tried to even out his breathing. 

And night after night, she let him stay.

He was always gone before she woke up. Part of her wondered if she was simply dreaming since he never mentioned how he would clammer into bed with her and hold her like she was the only real thing in the universe, and she was too afraid to ask him. But she couldn't forget how desperate he sounded that first night:

> She had left his hut in a foul mood, tempted rip his cloak into pieces and then unceremoniously drop it at his door. But she was still a scavenger, and couldn't bring herself to ruin a perfectly good piece of clothing.
> 
> Instead she had headed to "her" spot. She'd climbed up the rocks that lead to the highest point on the island. From her perch she could see where the water merged with the sky in all directions. But she didn't waste time taking in the scenery, opting to practice lightsaber forms to work out her anger instead.
> 
> The sun had begun its decline and she trekked back to the collection of huts. Years of scavenging taught her to get down from high places while visibility was still good. 
> 
> She also maintained the habit of sleeping soon after night fell. Her ability to wake up as the sun began its ascent, however, had waned and she often awoke after the sun has fully risen.
> 
> She had sensed that Luke had made himself scarce, his hut was dark. Thankfully Kylo appeared to still be meditating. She didn't have the energy to deal with him. 
> 
> She had easily fallen asleep once she curled up on her mattress. However, she had been rudely awoken just a few hours later by someone attacking her. At least that was what her first thought was as she had thrashed against the arms trapping her.
> 
> But the person had made no moves to actually harm her, so she stilled. She could hear the person trying vainly to take measured breaths while their heart beat too fast. They had gripped her tighter, "Please, Rey-"
> 
> It was Kylo, he choked on her name and had to take a long rattling breath to steady himself. 
> 
> Finally she whispered _Ok_ through their bond.
> 
> She could feel Kylo let out a breath against the back of her neck. He adjusted his hold on her so that she was no longer pressed flush up against him, but his arms still encircled her easily and he buried his face in her hair.
> 
> She had stayed ridged in his arms until she felt him relax and drift off to sleep. Only then had she allowed herself to move closer to him to take advantage of the heat he provided.
> 
> When she had woken up, the only evidence that anyone else had been there at all was the faint indent in the mattress left by somebody much too tall.
> 
> She had debated going to him, to tell him to make up his mind about what he wanted. He could either get over his fears and face her or stay away completely. But she hadn't been able to locate him. She could feel he was on the island, but he hid himself from her enough that she didn't know where he actually was.
> 
> She didn't see him at all that day. That night, when she woke up to arms pulling her close, she didn't panic, but merely gave the arms a slight squeeze. He was gone in the morning again.
> 
> This went on for weeks.
> 
> They hadn't spoken, verbally or through the bond since the first night. But she began to try to stay up later and later to catch him coming in. She always ended up falling asleep.
> 
> Finally she left her end of the bond completely open. She didn't actually say anything or project her thoughts, but if he tried he could find her exact location, label her emotions, and hear her thoughts. She felt his interest pique, but he made no effort to explore what she had offered. She was slightly offended.

He didn't come that night and she didn't sleep well. The next day he was still closed off from her. But, she was woken up by arms tightly wrapping around her waist. It was almost to tight. She savored it.

_I'm sorry I didn't come last night._

_Why didn't you?_

_I was scared..._

_Of what?_

_Myself. When I meditate, I see them. The people I've killed. The people I've tortured. Yesterday, it was you-_ He let go of her.

She could feel him shake with silent sobs. She rolled over and studied his face. It was the first time she had really looked at him in a while. His eyes were red rimmed and she could see tears drying on his cheeks.

She reached her hand out. He flinched back a bit, but didn't stop her. She rested her fingers where his scar started at the top of his forehead. She slowly traced it down to his jaw. 

She stared at him a moment longer before burying her face in his chest. He slowly wrapped his arms around her again. Barely resting them against her.

 _I forgive you._ She wasn't just saying it to make him feel better. She did, she didn't know why or what changed, but she forgave him.

_You shouldn't._

_I know._ Before he could pull away from her again she gripped his tunic with her hands and refused to let go. _Stay._

He didn't say anything in return, just tightened his arms around her and pulled her closer.

She woke up alone.

She didn't know why she was so hurt. There were plenty of reasons why she could be hurt, but none of them really fit. 

The one she decided made the most sense was that she had asked him to stay and he hadn't. Not because she had hoped she could wake up in his arms and simply lay there memorizing his face. 

Absolutely not.

But she didn't have any more time to dwell on her conflicted reasoning because she heard Finn's voice. 

Finn was here. Finn was on Ach-To talking to Luke. Her excitement at the prospect of seeing her friend was immediately replaced with dread. What if he saw Kylo? He had nearly severed his spine the last time they met. Finn would understandably not be pleased to see him.

She reached out for Kylo. She was incredibly relieved to sense he was safe. _Finn is here._

There was silence for a beat before he responded. _I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for making you guys wait for the last chapter (if there was anyone waiting for it), especially because it was just the previous chapter from a different perspective. So, here is the next chapter :)
> 
> I have finals, term papers, and a quick electronic free vacation coming up, so updates might be far and few between (plus I'm running out of ideas).
> 
> Also I reordered some of the earlier chapters to make sense chronologically and consolidated them a bit. Nothing has changed plot wise, but if you go back and reread the story, it's easier to follow.
> 
> <3


	10. Chapter 7 (Kylo Ren’s Perspective)

Going to her that first night had been a selfish and reckless act done in a moment of weakness. He should've stayed away. But he couldn't stop himself.

He'd spent hours experiencing only a portion of the horrors he committed and he was shaken to his core. He didn't want to believe he'd done those things, but at the same time he still experienced that heady rush of excitement when he felt their fear.

He was a monster. He wanted to forget it all, but he had to relive every last moment. He was scared; he didn't know how to be anything other than a nightmare. 

He needed her Light. He needed to anchor himself to her in order to not get lost in the Dark again. So he'd gone to her and tried to hold onto her before she could slip away.

She had panicked at first, but ultimately permitted him to wrap his arms around her.

He was sure to be gone before she woke up. He essentially hid from her and meditated during the day. But every night he'd gone to her, expecting to be turned away, and every night she allowed him to pull her close.

The first time they had talked since he began holding her in his arms on a nightly basis was because he could sense her irritation due to him staying away the night before.

He had told her the worst of what he'd done. That he'd come to her every night after reliving the horrible acts he'd committed and only stayed away after he'd had to witness himself torture her again.

But she was stronger than him in this instance as well. She'd forgiven him and asked him to stay.

And he couldn't deny her anything. 

He woke up before her, as usual, but instead of carefully extracting himself from her bed, he'd closed his eyes again and nuzzled the top of her head. 

He froze, hoping that she'd sleep through at least this lapse of his admittedly questionable judgment. He let out a sigh of relief when she remained fast asleep.

He stared down at her. Only a sliver of her face was visible since most of it was pressed against his chest where he could feel her calm, steady breathing. Her face was relaxed, brow not furrowed in concentration. He brushed a strand of hair that has fallen into her face behind her ear. He desperately wanted to make this moment last.

But then he heard Luke say a little too loudly to not be done purposely, "Finn, what a surprise to see you, Rey has mentioned you quite a bit."

He had to stamp down the surge of jealousy he felt. It wasn't his business, she deserved to be with someone _good_. Besides he needed to figure out who "Finn" was, he knew he heard the name before, and the best way for him to stay out of the way.

"I'm so glad your spine healed well. Light sabers can leave nasty wounds…"

Kylo stopped paying attention. He knew who it was. FN-2187, _the traitor._ He supposed he couldn't judge the former Stormtrooper for defecting considering he was also a traitor now. 

"Why don't you come inside and sit down, you must be tired," Skywalker said louder than necessary. It was his sign to run and hide. 

He untangled himself from Rey with less grace than he meant to, knocked his head on the door frame on his way out, and tried to make his way to "Rey's" spot as stealthily as possible. He'd seen it in her mind and knew that even if the Resistance healed FN-2178's spine anywhere near as well as the First Order could have, he still wouldn't be able to make it up there.

Then came the issue of staying out of sight. Even though he was unreachable up here he was also very visible. He crouched as low as he possibly could once he reached the top and surveyed the cliff face that wasn't visible from where the small collection of huts were. It was a sheer drop to the rocks and ocean below. He sighed loudly before he hid in what was most likely the stupidest manner possible. 

He lay flat on his back, thankful that it was overcast, and hoped that from a distance he looked like a rock.

While he, Master of the Knights of Ren, pretended to be a rock, he felt the scavenger - he needed to think of her as the scavenger again - wake up. She didn't have any of her mental blocks up, so he was a witness to her emotions. She was displeased that she was alone. That surprised him and he wanted to tell her that he would be there if he could. 

He stopped himself though and was glad he did because he had to prevent his jealousy from bleeding through to her when he felt her joy at realizing FN-2187 was here. But then she was all over the bond, trying to reach him. He opened up to her marginally.

_Finn is here._

He was confused by her concern. He knew FN-2187 despised him, but he could very easily handle himself. Then he realized that her concern wasn't meant for him.

But she was still hovering in the bond, so he bit out _I know_ and hoped he didn't sound too bitter.

He could feel her tension begin to dissipate and he tried to stop his from reaching her. 

_Where are you?_

_Your spot._ He felt the tips of his ears turn red, so he hastily added, _I know he can't get up here._

He was careful not to call him FN-2187, the traitor, or the storm trooper, the scavenger wouldn't like that. But he was also petty and refused to call him by his chosen name.

_Good, just stay out of sight and I'll try to get him to leave soon._

_Why?_

_You nearly killed him and it's a miracle he's not paralyzed. He won't be too happy to see you._

He scoffed out loud. It was a given that he'd want to kill him. _No, why do you want to get rid of him?_

_Because…Because he's not supposed to be here._

He decided not to press her more. She was already agitated and he had no interest in making it worse.

He considered meditating to pass the time, but he was still overwhelmed from the previous day so he decided to take advantage of the scavenger's openness. 

He was tentative at first, but when she didn't throw him out he sank deeper into the bond. He could clearly feel her emotions and catch snippets of whatever had her attention at the moment. She still had her thoughts guarded from him, but he wasn't sure he'd want to know what she was thinking even if she let him.

He withdrew from their connection when he realized she was in deep conversation with the traitor and Skywalker. It wasn't his business, and he wasn't going to intrude. 

He tried to ignore how happy she was. It filled him but left him feeling completely empty at the same time. 

He once again was questioning what he was doing here. He wasn't supposed to stay on Ach-To. He was meant to go after Snoke. And yet here he was, _hiding_ from a subordinate that he actually envied.

He was angry enough when he felt the scavenger smile brightly at the traitor that he successfully shut himself off from her to the point where he could no longer sense what she was projecting onto him.

But then he felt a familiar tug from someone he hadn't realized he was still connected to. It wasn't like the Force bond he shared with Rey - damnit, _the Scavenger_ \- but the familial connection he had once shared with his uncle. They couldn't speak through it, but he sensed that Skywalker was telling him to pay attention.

He rolled his eyes. He hadn't been scolded by his Uncle since he was a child. He rarely listened then, and he wasn't going to start now.

However, when the Scavenger began scrambling over their bond in a frenzy, he finally focused on the conversation.

The calm and happy emotions that had surrounded the scavenger earlier were gone. Instead she seemed worried and frustrated.

She felt him skimming her mind and allowed him to view what had happened:

> The scavenger had ran to FN-2187 and hugged him tightly. He skipped past that when the embrace showed no signs of ending.
> 
> The scavenger and Luke had been in the hut, fielding questions from the traitor. They were drinking the tea that his uncle always seemed to have on hand.
> 
> He recognized the way the traitor looked at Rey. It was the way that he looked at her as well. His fists clenched at that realization. But she hadn't noticed at all, so he kept rifling through.
> 
> Finally FN-2187 asked, "So what did you do with Ren's body?"
> 
> The scavenger choked on her tea. 

He observed the situation from Rey's perspective. Her heart was beating quicker than usual, but his uncle smoothly answered, "We burned it. It's tradition to burn the body of a Force user when they have passed."

Kylo couldn't help but snicker at that. He was definitely far from being ashes scattered through the atmosphere.

"Even when it's someone as terrible as him? He was a monster."

He was surprised to feel anger bristling around him. He understood where FN-2187 was coming from, he felt the same way. Then he recognized that the anger he felt wasn't his. It was the scavenger's. 

Rey was angry at the traitor. She was angry at the traitor for calling him a monster. 

"I mean he murdered his _own_ father. He doesn't deserve it," FN-2187 continued.

Kylo felt the familiar crushing shame threaten to pin him down. But it was overshadowed by the fact that Rey was actually furious.

In an attempt to diffuse the situation, his uncle interjected, "It's also a counter measure to prevent Force users from being brought back to life."

While FN-2187 seemed to accept that line of reasoning, he'd noticed Rey's change in demeanor. For once in his life Kylo tried to calm someone down instead being the one in need of it.

_Let it go. He's right. You know he's right. What he's said are facts._

_They're not facts._ She'd actually managed to growl through the bond. But he felt her relax a bit.

"Are you ok, Rey?" his concern barely masking the obvious adoration the traitor held for her. 

Kylo hoped she'd never notice it lest she see that same look on his own face.

"Fine."

She was looking down at her cup, gripping it to too tightly.

"Hey, it's ok. He's gone. He can't hurt you-"

Kylo crumbled in on himself as he remembered the fear and pain she'd experienced at his hand. It was why he had stayed away the night before after all. He tried to withdraw from the bond, but she ensnared him and wouldn't let him leave. 

"You don't know anything about that," she muttered, cutting him off.

"What do you mean?"

"He can't hurt me… He will never let _anyone_ hurt me, especially himself."

She was right of course, but he was surprised she knew, even more surprised that she trusted him with that. Those were things that he'd hoped for. He, however, had not hoped she'd tell the traitor. 

"Rey… what did you do?" FN-2187 asked warily.

"I brought him _back!_ "

"Why, Rey? Why would you do that?"

"Because I- Because I need him."

"Why do you need him? He's awful. What could he possibly offer that I can't?" FN-2187 quickly added, "Or Poe, or Leia, or Luke?" He lamely waved his hand over to where Skywalker was seated looking for once, actually shocked.

Kylo thought he'd seen Rey at her angriest when she attacked him on the shore. But right now, her anger could rival his. 

He’d known he'd ruin her.

He reached out to her again. _Don't do this. Don't let your anger control you. If you do this you'll end up like me._

_I don't care._

_Rey, please, I don't want that to happen to you. Just let go of the saber._

He could feel her surprise and horror when she realized she was holding it in a death grip. 

Then she shut him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to 13oct, GigiMarie, and Xocmg as usual. Your comments make my day :) You also make me stay on top of this story because I can't wait to share it with you.


	11. Chapter 8 (Rey’s Perspective)

Finn had said that Kylo couldn’t hurt her. He wasn’t wrong. But the way he said it was wrong, the implied reason was wrong.

There were many reasons why Kylo couldn’t hurt her. In all honesty, everything he’d done since she’d called the Skywalker lightsaber to herself on Starkiller had been done to protect her. He’d gone about it the wrong way on several occasions, but everything he’d done had been to keep her safe.

She knew Kylo heard what Finn said and he was trying to distance himself again, which was unacceptable. She’d finally made some progress with getting him to not be spooked by her or crushed with shame and regret around her, Finn was not allowed to mess that up. 

"He can't hurt me… He will never let _anyone_ hurt me, especially himself." 

"Rey… what did you do?" FN-2187 asked warily.

"I brought him _back!”_

"Why, Rey? Why would you do that?”

"Because I- Because I need him,” she explained exasperatedly. She’d said that so many times. Each time it became even more unclear what she meant by “need.”

"Why do you need him? He's awful. What could he possibly offer that I can't?" Before she could ask him why he thought this involved him at all, he quickly added, "Or Poe, or Leia, or Luke?”

She had been angry when Kylo tried to leave. But he’d done it because he thought she’d be stronger without him. What Finn was doing reduced her to something dependent and helpless. She hated that more than anything, more than being abandoned. She was a _scavenger,_ a _survivor,_ and she didn’t need to be protected from the one person who truly understood her and she would trust with her life.

At first Finn’s concern had been comforting, it was nice to know someone cared, but he was over stepping his bounds. She could feel her temper and patience wearing thin, and Kylo’s outbursts of violence suddenly made sense. She wanted- no, needed- to destroy something.

Kylo reached out to her. _Don't do this. Don't let your anger control you. If you do this you'll end up like me._

_I don't care._

_Rey, please, I don't want that to happen to you. Just let go of the saber._

It was with a mix of horror and shock that she realized she was holding her saber in a death grip. 

She quickly shut Kylo out.

This was probably his greatest fear. Why he’d wanted to stay away from her, to prevent this very thing from happening. 

She knew that Luke would allow Kylo to leave if he really wanted to, and if he knew how close she had come to attacking Finn, she wouldn’t be able to convince him to stay.

She dropped the saber onto the dirt. 

Then she pushed past Finn and ran. 

She ran as far as she could in the opposite direction of where she knew Kylo was sprinting from in an attempt to find her.

She hadn’t been paying attention to where she was going, distracted by the clap of thunder in distance, and nearly plunged off the edge of the cliff.

No one on the island, even using the Force could match her skill at scaling steep surfaces, especially ones that provided a long way to fall. 

Rain began to pour from the sky. She was thankful for that, the water would make the rocks slippery, even if they figured out where she was, they wouldn’t be able to get to her.

She lowered herself off the side, hands tightly gripping the edge of the cliff as she searched for a foot hold.

She never looked up, only concentrating on getting further and further down the cliff face. 

The rain made visibility poor and she had to actively focus on what she was doing instead of working on autopilot like she usually did. The task helped calm her. She paused to take some deep breaths, unfortunately, her current foot hold wasn’t as secure as she had thought and she suddenly found herself hanging from her hands on the middle of a near flat cliff face with a long way to go in either direction. 

She almost panicked and focused all of her energy on locating a place to put her feet. This left her mental defense down and she knew Kylo figured out where she was. So she slammed her defenses back in place and scrambled to the side. Her main focus was no longer remaining out of reach, but finding a safe place to stay out of view, the further away from the site she began climbing down from, the better. 

She kept moving horizontally until she found a location where the cliff wasn’t as smooth and had boulders embedded in the wall. She scaled up a bit. There was decent sized rock that looked like it could be pulled out from it’s spot with some effort, creating a nice place for to curl up in a ball and try to avoid hypothermia.

She tugged at it one handed. Then she yanked one handed. It budged slightly. She didn’t want to use the Force to move it, her fine control wasn’t defined enough for her to do that without bringing the rest of the rocks down with it. So, she did something incredibly reckless, she balanced on the razor thin ledge that was serving as her foot hold and yanked the boulder out of place with both hands.

It was heavier than she had anticipated and she almost lost her balance, which would’ve resulted in her drowning or being crushed. Either way she came close to having a watery grave. But, she managed to cling on like she had most of her life. She quickly pushed herself up into the little alcove she created and allowed herself to try to relax. She scowled as she surveyed the churning ocean below.

She hadn't realized how long she’d spent clambering around on the cliff face until she actually managed to look anywhere other than the rock in front of her and realized that dusk had settled.

As glad as she was to have found a place to remain somewhat safe over night, she no longer had a distraction from Kylo desperately trying to get in.

A part of her was darkly satisfied. It was only fair, now he knew how she’d felt for weeks. Another part of her was happy that he’d finally opened up to her, but rather bitter that it had taken her losing control over herself for it to happen.

Most of all though, she was relieved. He hadn’t taken this as evidence that he was right and disappeared. He hadn’t abandoned her. He was still there, trying to connect to her.

She slept, not well, but she’d slept. She wanted to attribute it to the fact that she’d slept in a cocoon of rocks, maybe a foot away from a sheer drop to her death. But that wasn’t the only reason. She decided to pretend that it was anyways.

The rain had stopped while she slept and weak rays of sunlight piercing through the clouds woke her up. She found that irritating. She was tired and wanted to go back to sleep. She was no longer used to rising this early in the day, though she supposed this was around the time Kylo left her bed to go do whatever it was he did all day. She’d never asked. She knew he at least spent some of his time meditating. She was pretty sure the visions he saw when he was meditating were what compelled him to hold onto her every night.

She tugged a bit on their bond, she was curious as to what he was up to. She was surprised by his immediate response. She wondered if he’d slept at all. She wondered if there was a confrontation between him and Finn. She could sense he was still on the island, but unlike Kylo, she wasn’t able to read anybody’s mind. She could sense their emotions and superficial thoughts, but the only person mind’s she was able to actually explore was Kylo, and she was pretty sure she was one of the few people who had ever been inside in his mind.

Whenever he let her in, it was relatively painless and easy to navigate, but if she ever did it when he was unprepared it felt like walking on the sand of Jakku with out shoes. Even just touching his mind when he didn’t want her to burned. She didn't know how he could bear it.

While she was lost in her thoughts Kylo had apparently been rifling through her most recent memories to try to figure out where she was. When he got close to the memory he wanted she snapped out of it and shut him out of her memories. 

_Where are you?_ He implored.

_Why do you want to know?_

He ignored her question. _I know you’re somewhere on the cliff face._

_What’s your point?_

_I will find you._

_Good luck. I know this island better than you._

_Why’d you run?_

_It wasn’t safe for me to be around Finn._

_Then what was the point of shutting me out? I’m more dangerous than you._

She didn’t want to tell him that she was afraid he’d leave. _I didn’t want to deal with you asking questions, like you are now._

_I know you’re lying._

She chewed on her lip. She knew he could eventually get the truth out of her if he tried. _I didn't want you to follow me._

_That’s also a lie, you knew that by cutting me off I’d have no other option than to go to Skywalker and your friend._

_You were supposed to stay out of sight._ She couldn’t help but let her worry bleed through the bond.

 _He already knew I was here._ He sounded exasperated. _I didn’t touch him, he’s perfectly unharmed, you don’t need to worry._ He was trying to comfort her.

She didn’t tell him that she was actually worried that Finn would try to attack him, he would probably be offended. So she stayed silent.

 _He’s not mad at you,_ he tried to coax her out again, _he’s not going to abandon you just because you made an admittedly very questionable decision… At least you didn’t kill anyone._

She didn’t bother asking what decision he was talking about, she knew he thought her bringing him back had been reckless. But, he had completely misunderstand her relationship to Finn, she didn't know why it bothered her so much. She decided it was because his bed side manner needed serious improvement.

But he still needed to understand why she had reacted the way she had, so she showed him where she was and began to climb up.

Once she was sure he had seen where she was, she quickly shut him out again before he could say something that would make her regret coming out of hiding. 

When she finally reached the top of the cliff, she was desperate to hoist herself the rest of the way over. Instead of grabbing a fist of some grass of questionable strength, her hand was caught by one that was twice her size, incredibly pale, and surprisingly calloused for someone who she assumed wore gloves most of the time. 

He hauled her up like she weighed nothing and gently placed her back on solid, flat ground. 

“Please, whatever you do, don’t scare me like that ever again.”

“Scare you how?”

“Don’t shut me out. Don’t cut yourself off from me”

“Why? You do that all the time,” she was already regretting this.

“Because I don't matter, but you do. You matter.”

“How can you say that? Of course you matter.”

He laughed, it was hollow.

“You matter to me,” she continued.

“I shouldn’t,” he sounded resigned.

“You’ve mentioned that before.”

“Because it’s true.”

“You know it’s not. You keep telling yourself that. You believe you’re beyond help. You’re waiting for your world to end because you think that’s what you deserve. But you still come to me every night. Some part of you believes that you’re worth something.” 

His face blanched, but she could see the tips of his ears turn bright red. It was the first time either of them had acknowledged their arrangement during the day. Saying it out loud made it a reality that they would eventually have to deal with.

“No. A part of me is weak and wants forgiveness. That’s all,” he bit that last part out angrily.

She had long stopped fearing his violent outburst, so she took a step forward, “You have it. You have that forgiveness.” _You have my forgiveness._

“I don’t deserve it.”

“Lucky for you, I’m the one who gets to decide that.”

“Why would you forgive me? You know what I’ve done.”

“For better or for worse, I understand you. And even if didn't want to, I’d still have to forgive you. I’m tied to you, permanently, if I kept hating you it would tear me apart.”

“I can never forgive myself.”

“I don’t doubt it, that’s part of the price you have to pay for what you’ve done. But, if not for your sake, at least for mine, stop hating yourself. You’re going to destroy yourself otherwise. You’ll destroy me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said thickly.

She made to reach for him, to tell him it was going to be ok, but he shoved a black bundle of fabric her way before she could grab him. It was his cloak. 

She took it sheepishly. By the time she'd shrugged it on, he’d already turned away and said, “We should head back. Skywalker is worried and I’m surprised you haven’t frozen to death yet.”

He didn’t wait for her to respond before stalking off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I got drunk and cut my own hair. That was bad. 
> 
> I also wrote this. This is not as bad as the hair cut.


	12. Chapter 8 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

He had no choice other than to sprint towards Skywalker and, unfortunately, the traitor.

He slowed as when he reached the hut FN-2187 and his uncle were still in. He debated whether or not to enter. He knew Skywalker could sense him outside and he knew it'd probably be better if he didn't interact with the man he crippled.

"So where is Ren? He's not seriously hiding?" FN-2187 said snidely.

Kylo knew he had fears he wasn't strong enough to face, not yet at least, but he refused to take being called a coward by the traitor lying down. And barging into places he wasn't necessarily welcome in was a speciality of his.

"Which way did she go?" He growled. He could be petty later, he needed to find her first. 

But apparently FN-2187 couldn't. He pulled a blaster on him. Kylo wasn't worried and he didn't know why the traitor bothered, they both knew that stopping blaster bolts wasn't an issue for him.

But before either of them could do anything, Luke used the Force to pull it out of his hands

"We don't know," he turned to FN-2187, "And we also don't need anyone to get killed."

"He's a mass murder! He deserves to be executed!"

Kylo turned to his uncle, "You know, I actually agree with the traitor on that."

"Oh shut up Ben, you're a traitor now too."

Kylo was taken aback. Not by being snapped at by his uncle, but the fact that he wasn't angry about it. He found it… funny. "You're always gonna call me that, aren't you old man?"

"Glad you finally caught on."

FN-2187 was gaping at them incredulously, "Don't you know what he's _capable_ of? I need a weapon to protect myself!"

"I know better than most what he's capable of. And I know that he is capable of refraining from violence when he's not threatened," his uncle shot him a look.

A part of him, the better part of him, was pleased that his uncle trusted him to not attack a person simply because he didn't like them.

"He's a _psychopath!_ And you're _insane_ to trust him!"

Kylo was getting tired of the conversation, so he cut in, "Can we discuss my admittedly unbalanced mental state _after_ we find her?" 

He had been trying to reach her constantly and the only thing he could get from her was that she wasn't dead.

"No, you stay away from her. I don't know what you did to her, but you don't get to go anywhere near her."

He had a point, manipulating people through the Force was one of his talents, but it was infuriating that FN-2187 thought that Rey was weak enough for him to influence her. Rey was his equal.

"Normally I'd agree with you, but seeing as I'm the most qualified person here to help someone struggling with inner darkness," he looked to his uncle for confirmation and was given a slight nod of approval, "I'm really the only one who can help her."

He turned to leave, he'd search the entire island if he had to. 

The traitor gripped his bicep to stop him.

He took a calming breath, "If you value your safety, at all, I suggest you let go of me."

The traitor let go, but added, "At least I actually care about her, and if you hurt her, in any way, I'll-"

Kylo rounded on him, "You'll what? You don't even _have_ the Force, what could you _possibly_ do to me?"

He was satisfied to see the traitor shrink back as he towered over him. He wanted to choke him, or at least fling him across the room, but he restrained himself and stomped outside instead.

It was raining and he thought about Rey. She still didn't have warmer clothes. Even if he found her soon, she'd still be freezing. So, he walked to her hut and grabbed his cloak, well her cloak now. He hadn't seen her wear it since she'd punched him in the face, but it was hanging from the wall, within easy reach. 

He grabbed it, hunching over slightly to keep it dry while he went to go get his own cloak. Skywalker had kept his Jedi robes after he had turned. The only piece that remotely fit was the cloak, which was much to large for him when he received it. It was dark gray and lighter than his old one, but it worked well considering he was no longer in space or on an ice planet. 

FN-2187 was blocking the doorway to his hut, forcing him to stand in the rain.

"Move."

The traitor stayed put. He could've Force shoved him out of the way or manipulated his mind to get him to do it himself. And he wanted to, but Rey wouldn't have liked it if he used the Force against him. So he settled for shouldering past him.

He placed the cloak he'd given to her on his mattress while he bent down to retrieve his own.

"Why were you in Rey's space?" FN-2187 demanded.

He was tempted to snap back and say because that was where he slept. But that would lead to questions he didn't want to answer. So he replied, "It's raining, when I find her she's going need her cloak." He gestured in the direction of his mattress without looking up.

"That's not her cloak."

Finally having slid his own cloak on he stood up. "What?"

"I know that belongs to you."

"Yeah, it did. Then I gave it to her."

"She wouldn't take anything that belonged to you."

"You think you know her so well, don't you?"

"I do know her, I care about her, I'm her friend."

Before Kylo could tell him that he shared a bond with her that he could only dream of having, Rey suddenly opened up her end of said bond.

She was hanging from a precarious position on a cliff face. She was afraid of something, but that feeling soon subsided and she quickly shut him out again.

He knew that she was on an incredibly sheer cliff face. She hadn’t left in the direction of he came from, which meant she was on the complete opposite end of the island, the only other place where the drop from the edge was that steep. 

Without saying a word, he snatched up the cloak, shoved in under his own and ran off to find her. He could hear FN-2187 shouting something at him, but that didn't matter.

He knew that she would've moved away as quickly as possible once she shut him out. He ran towards her previous location anyways. He had the feeling that even though she would be long gone, she would still be scaling the cliff. 

She was gone by the time he got to the edge, like he had expected, but he didn't go back. Instead he climbed a tree to stay out of the rain and settled in to wait there until he got her to connect with him again.

He didn't sleep at all that night. He could only hope that Rey found a more stable perch for the night because he knew she was too stubborn to climb to safety.

It stopped raining shortly before dawn and he'd ceased trying to access her mind a while before that, she was probably asleep.

The sun was streaming in weakly through the tree branches when he felt a small tug from her end of the bond. He was surprised, but responded immediately.

She didn’t interact with him after that, but there was a weakness in her mental defenses, so he wormed his way in to sift through her memories in order to figure out where she was. 

He knew he was close to figuring it out, but then she slammed her guards up again and he was sent reeling.

_Where are you?_

There was a pause before she responded. _Why do you want to know?_

He didn’t bother answering her question. _I know you’re somewhere on the cliff face._

_What’s your point?_

_I will find you._

_Good luck. I know this island better than you._

She was right. If she really didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be able to find her. _Why’d you run?_

_It wasn’t safe for me to be around Finn._

He was sorely tempted to point out that by running away, she had left FN-2187 in the company of a man who had once severed his spine. _Then what was the point of shutting me out? I’m more dangerous than you._

_I didn’t want to deal with you asking questions, like you are now._

_I know you’re lying._

_I didn't want you to follow me._

He scoffed. _That’s also a lie, you knew that by cutting me off I’d have no other option than to go to Skywalker and your friend._

 _You were supposed to stay out of sight._ She sounded accusatory and he could feel her worry bleed through the bond.

He tried his best to ignore the jealousy he felt over he concern for the traitor.

 _He already knew I was here._ He knew he sounded angry so he added, _I didn’t touch him, he’s perfectly unharmed, you don’t need to worry._

She didn’t respond, so he continued, _He’s not mad at you, he’s not going to abandon you just because you made an admittedly very questionable decision… At least you didn’t kill anyone._

She was still silent, but he could feel her thinking. Finally, she showed him where she was. He was quickly shut out again, as he jumped from the tree and sprinted to where she was.

He could see the crown of her head as she groped around for something stable to hold onto. The only thing around was grass. He wasn’t going to risk her falling to her death just when he had convinced her to climb to safety, so he gripped her hand in his own instead. 

He hauled her up, she weighed basically nothing, and planted her back on solid ground.

“Please, whatever you do, don’t scare me like that ever again.”

“Scare you how?”

“Don’t shut me out. Don’t cut yourself off from me”

“Why? You do that all the time,” she accused him.

“Because I don't matter, but you do. You matter,” he didn’t know how to explain it better

“How can you say that? Of course you matter,” she almost sounded insulted.

He laughed then. She was more stubborn than he was.

“You matter to me,” she continued.

“I shouldn’t.”

“You’ve mentioned that before.”

“Because it’s true.”

“You know it’s not. You keep telling yourself that. You believe you’re beyond help. You’re waiting for your world to end because you think that’s what you deserve. But you still come to me every night. Some part of you believes that you’re worth something.”

He felt his face drain of all color while his ears burned. They’d never acknowledged their arrangement during the day before. Especially not out loud. 

“No. A part of me is weak and wants forgiveness. That’s all,” he spat.

He knew she wasn’t afraid of him, so he wasn’t entirely surprised when she stepped towards him, “You have it. You have that forgiveness.” _You have my forgiveness._

“I don’t deserve it.”

“Lucky for you, I’m the one who gets to decide that.”

“Why would you forgive me? You know what I’ve done.”

“For better or for worse, I understand you. And even if didn't want to, I’d still have to forgive you. I’m tied to you, permanently, if I kept hating you it would tear me apart.”

“I can never forgive myself.”

“I don’t doubt it, that’s part of the price you have to pay for what you’ve done. But, if not for your sake, at least for mine, stop hating yourself. You’re going to destroy yourself otherwise. You’ll destroy me.”

“I’m sorry,” he hated how thick his voice sounded.

He saw her reach her hand out for him, so he quickly shoved the cloak at her.

She took it and started to put it on.

He turned around before she was done. “We should head back. Skywalker is worried and I’m surprised you haven’t frozen to death yet.”

He didn’t wait to confirm that she was following him before he walked off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically just a pissing contest between Kylo and Finn. They have no chill. 
> 
> Also, I've hit 20,000 words, this story has gone on a lot longer than I anticipated, but I've loved every second of it.


	13. Chapter 9 (Rey’s Perspective)

They trampled back through the trees in silence. Their bond was humming around them, but they both ignored it.

She was grateful for the cloak, it was warm, but more importantly kept her from getting even wetter from the residual water dripping from the branches. 

She followed Kylo as he wound some convoluted path that would supposedly get them back faster. She was reminded of how he had stalked her through the forest on Takodana. He had been impossibly imposing then. Now, he was no longer a threat and he wasn’t wearing that terrifying mask, just a lightweight gray cloak with his hair ruffled by the wind, but he seemed to take up even more space, demand even more attention.

She scowled again and began to purposely lag behind. 

She heard him sigh loudly, but she ignored him and looked down at her feet to keep from tripping over roots or slipping in mud. She should’ve looked up periodically because she could’ve avoided walking head on into his chest.

“You should really watch where you’re going, you know,” he had leaned down a bit, explaining a concept he knew she understood better than most to her like she was a child.

She glared at him, “I _was,”_ she growled, taking two steps backwards. _“You_ shouldn’t have just stopped for no reason.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when _you_ walk so slowly that _I_ have to wait for _you_ to make sure you don’t get lost.”

“I’m not going to get lost, I know this place better than you, remember?”

“Fine,” he conceded, “not lost, I just have to keep an eye on you to make sure you don't run off again.”

He turned away from her and continued forward at a somewhat slower pace. She stood still and watched his retreating back. 

She waited until he was just within eye sight and went off in the other direction. She didn’t want to go back. She didn’t want to look at Finn and realize she still wanted to hurt him. But she realized it wasn’t because she cared about him. It was because she was ashamed of herself.

For the second time that day she hadn’t been paying attention to her surroundings until a hand gripped her shoulder, firmly holding her in place.

 _“Really?_ Am I going to have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you back myself?”

 _“You_ can go back, tell them I’m fine and I’ll come back when I’m ready to.”

“So you’re just going to leave your friend with me to deal with? I nearly _killed_ him on Starkiller.”

“His name is Finn-“

“And you _will_ have to talk to him at some point,” he cut her off.

 _“No,_ I won’t.”

“He _literally_ will not leave until he sees you again. Possibly not until he has you coming back with him. Or until I’m a heap of ashes. I think he’d be ok with either one of those, although he’d probably prefer both.”

“Don’t joke about that,” she didn’t know why she was so upset about his cavalier attitude towards his own life.

“I’m not joking,” he seemed unsure as to what she was referring to. 

“Why won’t he leave?” 

She thought nearly running him through with a lightsaber would send the hint that she didn’t particularly want to be around him.

Kylo looked at her incredulously, “You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know _what?”_

“He loves you.”

She stared at him, not really knowing what to say. She didn’t want him to love her. She settled on disbelief.

“He said that, to you?”

“No, of course not, but he loves you.”

“How could you _possibly_ know that then?”

“The way he looks at you.”

“The way he looks at me? You’ve never loved anyone in your life, you have no idea how someone would look at a person they loved.”

Hurt flashed across his face. “I’ve seen it before,” was all he said.

“On who?” she asked incredulously.

That unreadable expression that would cross his face occasionally, more often when he thought she didn’t know he was looking at her, appeared again. “My parents,” he said quietly.

“Oh,” she said rather lamely.

“Love is a _good_ thing.”

That was probably one of the last things she expected him to say. 

She gave him hard look, “Not when it’s unreciprocated.”

“That might be news to him.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

“Well, him being desperately in love with you, was news to you.”

“How was I supposed to know? I’ve never _been_ loved,” she hated how her voice cracked at the end.

She hated how sadly he looked at her even more.

_You know you have to talk to him._

_No, he has no right to love me._

That unreadable expression was there again. _There are worse people to be loved by._

She was tempted to ask who would be worse, but she knew he wouldn’t answer her. “I’ll talk to him, but not now. I’m not ready for that.”

He sat down on a rock. “Well then you’re going to have to tell me why you pulled your saber on him.”

“He made me angry.”

“Destroying things is what _I_ do when I’m angry, not you.”

“I’d never been that angry before.”

“Why were you so angry anyways? The things he said, they were true. I wish they weren’t, but they are.”

“He said you were a monster,” she muttered, dropping down to the mossy earth.

“Aren’t I though?” he asked softly.

“Not anymore…He made you leave,” she said that last part before she could stop herself.

“I’m still here,” He sounded confused.

“You were finally coming to terms with what you’d done to me.” Kylo flinched, proving her point. “And he ruined it.”

“And that’s worth attacking him over?”

“Yes.” she answered without thinking.

He looked down at his hands, “I knew I’d wear off on you. That you’d lose part of yourself because of me.”

“You’re not wrong. But I’ve apparently worn off on you as well,” she reminded him warmly.

He gave a scrutinizing look, so she continued, “You’re here, talking to me. And Finn is still in one piece thanks to you.”

She smiled at him. 

The corner of his mouth quirked up slightly. She decided she was going to get him to actually smile one day.

“You ready to go back?” he asked, standing up.

She just stared up at him. He was really unnecessarily tall.

“If you don’t get up soon, I will throw you over my shoulder,” there was a look of mischief in his eyes, it suited him. 

She blushed slightly and got to her feet, ducking her head down so he wouldn’t see, “Lead the way.”

“No, you’re in front this time, I’ll tell you when to turn, but I clearly need to make sure you don’t bolt again,” he said in a pointedly lighter tone.

She realized he was teasing her.

“Fine,” she grumbled, feeling oddly self-conscious walking in front of him, “but we go at my pace.”

“Fair enough.”

They walked the rest of the way back in companionable silence.

When they finally got back, he’d had to prod her forward slightly as the got closer, Finn immediately ran to her, wrapping his arms around her. It was decidedly uncomfortable. 

“I was so worried about you, are you ok? What took so long? He didn’t hurt you did he?”

She tried to tactfully extricate herself from his grip. Finn seemed to notice her squirming, but instead of letting her go, he turned to Kylo, who was staring at them with an excessively neutral expression. “You mind giving us a moment Ren? You’re making her uncomfortable.”

“I doubt it,” he scoffed, but still wandered off, leaving her to deal with an increasingly overbearing Finn.

She finally pushed out of his grasp.

“I’m so sorry Rey. I knew I shouldn’t have let him go off to find you alone,” he went to reach for her again, but she stepped away slightly, wrapping her cloak around her tighter.

“He didn’t hurt me, I told you he won’t.”

“Why are you wearing that?” he gestured to the black fabric she was currently swathed in.

“I’m cold?” she wasn’t quite sure what he meant.

“But that’s Ren’s.”

“It’s mine now.”

“You can take my jacket instead.” He began to remove the jacket he had been wearing when they first met.

“I don’t want it,” she snapped.

“I really am worried about you Rey. I know you want to finish your training with Luke, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to continue to be around Ren.”

“Well, I didn’t ask you what you thought. Either way, I’m staying here.”

“But Rey-“

“But nothing! I don’t want to leave,” she really didn’t want to have to say it, “and I don’t love you.”

“What?”

“I. Don’t. Love. You.”

“Who told you? Poe told you, didn’t he.”

She ignored the fact that Finn apparently was ok with telling people such personal things. “No, Kylo did.”

“And you believed him? I didn’t tell him anything.”

“He said you didn’t have to say it, he could tell by the way you looked at me, and of course I believed him, he wouldn’t lie to me.”

“Rey, he is messing with your mind. Making you feel emotions that aren’t your own, making others disappear.”

“I am not weak minded, my emotions are purely mine. He couldn’t manipulate me even if he wanted to.”

“Why are you defending him? He’s a monster.”

“I don’t owe you any explanations.”

She stalked off towards “her” spot before he could say anything else to piss her off and so that he couldn’t follow her.

He was infuriating.

 _You ok?_ The question wasn’t demanding like Finn’s had been.

_Finn is alive, so I’m alright and in control._

_I’m aware he’s alive, he’s currently shouting at me._

_And you’re just… letting him?_

_The woman of his dreams just turned him down to stay on a glorified rock with an old hermit and someone who committed patricide. He’s allowed to vent._

_Where’s Luke?_

_Currently disabling the ability for his ship to transmit messages or take off._

_So you’re stalling him._

_Of course, there’s no way I would willingly sit through this._

_Wait, why is Luke disabling everything? Finn can’t stay here._

_If he leaves, everyone comes here, I’m taken into custody, given a trial for no reason other than to display the Republic’s humane treatment of everyone, even war criminals, and then executed._

_You… You could leave…Hide…_

_It would still become public knowledge that I’m actually alive and Snoke wouldn't rest until I was brought before him so he could rip apart my mind to find out where you are and what happened to the ring that I was supposed to retrieve from Dathomir._

_I can take care of myself and the ring is safe with Luke._

_I know you can, I have the scar to prove it. But Snoke is something else entirely, I can’t risk him getting to you._

_Why?_

_Because I need you._

There was that word “need” again. She didn’t know what he meant by it. She still didn’t know what she meant by it. She wanted to ask him, but her curiosity was outweighed by her fear of the answer. Need was enough.

She remained on her perch until she saw Luke reach the top of the cliff and then began her descent. 

_Luke’s back._

_Took him long enough._ Kylo essentially growled.

She waited for Luke outside.

“What are we going to do with Finn?”

“I have a plan. But first, what exactly happened between you two, because his temper was rivaling Ben’s.”

“I told him I wouldn’t leave with him.”

“And?”

She looked down, “I told him I didn’t love him.”

Luke looked confused, “How did you figure out how he felt?”

“Kylo told me. Apparently he could tell from the way Finn looked at me.”

“Of course he could.”

Before she could ask him why it was apparently a given that Kylo would realize how Finn felt about her, Luke stepped into the hut.

She had no choice but to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that, they're getting along :)


	14. Chapter 10 (Kylo Ren’s Perspective)

She’d made getting back difficult, fighting him at basically every step.

Being around her was painful. Her anxiety was grating on his nerves, especially because her concern for the traitor meant that she didn’t trust him. That was the only reason, it didn’t have anything to do with the way he felt about her.

He didn’t know what possessed him to say it. Maybe because he thought if she knew how he felt she would agree to talk to the traitor and Kylo wouldn’t have to deal with either of them. They could both leave and he could have peace:

> “You really don’t know, do you?”
> 
> “Know _what?”_
> 
> “He loves you.”
> 
> She stared at him. Her face a mixture of shock and suspicion. “He said that, to you?”
> 
> “No, of course not, but he loves you,” she couldn’t have seriously thought the traitor would tell _him_ of all people.
> 
> “How could you _possibly_ know that then?”
> 
> “The way he looks at you,” he left out the part that he looked at her the same way.
> 
> “The way he looks at me? You’ve never loved anyone in your life, you have no idea how someone would look at a person they loved.”
> 
> He couldn’t stop her words from cutting into him. He loved her, and she’d never know. “I’ve seen it before.”
> 
> “On who?”
> 
> He studied her. His mother and father had fought more then he and Rey did, but the way they looked at each other showed how in love they had been. “My parents.”
> 
> “Oh.”
> 
> “Love is a _good_ thing,” he didn’t know why he said that. Love had only ever caused him pain, but he hoped it would be kinder to her.
> 
> “Not when it’s unreciprocated.”
> 
> “That might be news to him,” it was news to Kylo as well.
> 
> “It shouldn’t be.”
> 
> “Well, him being desperately in love with you, was news to you.”
> 
> “How was I supposed to know? I’ve never _been_ loved,” her voice cracked at the end, and his heart broke for her.
> 
> _You know you have to talk to him._
> 
> _No, he has no right to love me._
> 
> Kylo couldn’t agree more with her on that, but he had even less of a right to feel the way he did. _There are worse people to be loved by._
> 
> He was thankful she didn’t ask him to elaborate.

He got her back to Luke and the traitor, only after prodding her and threatening to carry her, but he got her back all the same.

He hated the way FN-2187 touched her, dragged her away, and wouldn’t let go of her. He schooled his face to what he hoped was a neutral expression that gave off the air of indifference, but he couldn’t help but stare at them both.

Rey had been twisting in his grasp and looked increasingly desperate in the suffocating hold he had her in. FN-2187, to his credit, did notice her discomfort. He, however incorrectly guessed where it was coming from. “You mind giving us a moment Ren? You’re making her uncomfortable,” he said coldly.

He couldn’t help it, he scoffed. “I doubt it.” But he still left, reminding himself that Rey didn’t love the traitor and that she wasn’t going to leave.

He reminded himself that Rey had smiled at _him._ He’d wanted to smile back. But he couldn’t, he knew where he got his smile from. It was a lopsided grin that he’d gotten from his father and he hadn’t wanted to ruin whatever moment they were having. He didn’t want her to remember that she was smiling at a man who had murdered his own father in front of her. So he’d settled for quirking one of the corners of his lips up.

He was the one that she was worried would leave. She wasn’t afraid that FN-2187 abandon her, she’d wanted him to go away. But she’d been terrified that he would leave her. That what’d she’d done would make him think that he’d ruined her and would insist on Skywalker taking him away.

It was a rational conclusion to come to, he didn’t understand why that was what she was afraid of, but he understood why she thought he’d leave.

But he was too selfish to go anywhere. He couldn’t be without her. He would stay as long as she let him.

He was startled out of his thoughts by his uncle, “So you managed to get her to come back.”

“There was a lot of resistance on her end, but yes. She’s talking to FN-2187 now.”

“And you’re not out there standing behind her miming cutting his head off with your saber?”

He gave his uncle a quizzical look, “Why…Why would I do that?”

“Because Finn is in love with her and you are too.”

He felt his face flush, “I’m not…It doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t?” his uncle looked genuinely confused.

“I’m not good for her. I don’t want another beating from her, so I won’t leave unless she wants me to, but she deserves better than me.”

“So you’re going to stop sleeping with her every night?”

He glanced up at his uncle, he looked way too pleased with the situation. 

His cheeks burned. Taking pity on him, his uncle changed the subject. “We need a way to keep Finn here.”

“No, we need to get him out of here before he attempts to murder me again.”

His uncle rolled his eyes, “We both know that you’re not afraid of him. You just don’t want him around Rey. But he knows your alive, which means if he leaves or sends out a transmission, everyone else knows too.”

Kylo groaned and ran his hands down his face, “So what are we going to do?”

“We’re going to go disable his ship.”

“What about the Falcon?”

“Ren. A word?” FN-2187 had walked into the hut they were in and Rey was nowhere to be seen.

His uncle nodded and got up. Kylo watched him leave, fighting back the urge to run after him ask him what he had planned.

Kylo lazily gestured to one of the empty chairs, “Why don’t you sit down, I get the feeling we’ll be here for a while.”

FN-2187 grudgingly sat down but quickly said, “You don’t get to talk in this conversation unless I ask you a question. Understand?”

Kylo’s eyes flicked back to the stormtrooper and leaned forward, “Yes,” he hissed.

He slumped back in his chair.

The stormtrooper stood up, “No, you know what you’re gonna sit and I’m gonna stand so you get the full experience of what it’s like trying to talk to you.”

Kylo glanced up, he could tell this would be boring. So he reached out to Rey.

_You ok?_

_Finn is alive, so I’m alright and in control._

_I’m aware he’s alive, he’s currently shouting at me._ He actually found the situation a little amusing. 

_And you’re just… letting him?_

_The woman of his dreams just turned him down to stay on a glorified rock with an old hermit and someone who committed patricide. He’s allowed to vent._

_Where’s Luke?_

_Currently disabling the ability for the Falcon or his ship to transmit messages or take off._

_So you’re stalling him._

_Of course, there’s no way I would willingly sit through this._

_Wait, why is Luke disabling everything? Finn can’t stay here._

_If he leaves, everyone comes here, I’m taken into custody, given a trial for no reason other than to display the Republic’s humane treatment of everyone, even war criminals, and then executed._

_You… You could leave…Hide…_

_It would still become public knowledge that I’m actually alive and Snoke wouldn't rest until I was brought before him so he could rip apart my mind to find out where you are and what happened to the ring that I was supposed to retrieve from Dathomir._

_I can take care of myself and the ring is safe with Luke._

_I know you can, I have the scar to prove it. But Snoke is something else entirely, I can’t risk him getting to you._

_Why?_

_Because I need you._

She didn’t ask what he meant by need. And they remained silent while she tried to take deep breaths and he vaguely paid attention to what FN-2187 was saying.

Finally she said, _Luke’s back_.

_Took him long enough._ He wasn’t sure what he’d do if the traitor kept on shouting at him about how he knew he was evil, he was corrupting Rey, he didn’t know what his plan was, but it wouldn’t work, he was onto him, and that no matter what he did to Rey’s head, he knew she still loved him. He was torn between throwing him against a wall to knock him out and give him a concussion or to slice his back open again.

Ultimately, he did neither, so FN-2187 was still yelling at him when Rey and Skywalker walked in.

“Finn, stop it.”

The traitor turned, “Rey! You can’t keep running off like that.”

“And you can’t just come here, attack him,” she gestured to Kylo, “and try to make me leave.”

“I didn’t attack him, I just tried to do what any rational person would do in my situation, which is execute the son of a bitch.”

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring my mother into this.”

All three of them turned to look at him. Each looked like they might hit him, so he put his hands up in mock surrender.

“I don’t want you here Finn. Ok?”

“Fine, I’ll leave, I’ll tell the general what the three of you have done.”

Luke spoke up, “You really think Leia doesn’t know her son is alive?”

Kylo was probably more shocked than Rey or FN-2187.

“And she also knows you’re here."

FN-2187 looked terrified to hear that news.

“So, I’ll tell you what happens next. Leia, knows you’re here and that you know Ben is alive. I am going to take you back to base in the Falcon because you need to be a solid pilot to fly her on your own. I’m not sure what Leia has planned, but I’m sure she’ll figure out what to do with you and how to keep this a secret.”

Skywalker’s plan was much better than his own. He was planning on just holding the traitor captive.

FN-2187 seemed resigned to the fact that this uncle had won, but he had one more complaint to make, “You’re not seriously going to leave Rey alone on an island with that monster, are you?”

“Well seeing as Rey doesn’t want to go back with you and Ben is a fugitive who can’t risk going anywhere, especially a resistance base, yes, that is what I’m going to do.”

“He could kill her!”

Before either he or Rey could come up with a response, Skywalker was already speaking, “No, he couldn’t. He can’t harm her in anyway because-“

_No._ No no no no. Skywalker could not finish that sentence. That was a secret that was supposed to die with him and him alone, it was bad enough that his father knew and now his uncle.

“they’re bound to each other through the Force,” his uncle finished.

Kylo had to fight to not let out an audible sigh of relief.

“They’re _bonded?”_ the traitor was incredulous.

“Yes, we’re bonded, we can sense each other in the Force, talk to each other, see each other’s memories. We can feel each other’s emotions, hear each other’s thoughts,” he hadn’t expected Rey to sound so peaceful talking about the often volatile bond they shared.

The traitor turned to Kylo, “I _knew_ you were manipulating her, you’ve corrupted her, ruined her.”

Part of him wanted to agree with the traitor, yes he was bad for her, he’d made her darker. Another part of him wanted to rip his limbs off for suggesting that she was anything other than perfect. Rey looked incredibly hurt by what her friend, who supposedly loved her, had said.

“You don’t get to talk about her like that. She is stronger and better than the both of us. She is incorruptible, unbreakable, and if you say _anything_ else about her like that, I will cut you down without a second thought.”

Then he waved his hand and the traitor collapsed in a heap, unconscious.

He didn’t look at Rey, even though he could feel her staring at him. He blocked her out mentally as well.

He helped his uncle get the traitor down the cliff and into the Falcon.

But before his uncle left he had to ask, “Did you really tell my mother that I’m alive?”

“I didn’t have to, she already knew.”

His uncle clapped him on the back and Kylo walked down the ramp. He stared at the sky until the Falcon was no longer in sight. He slowly made the climb back to the top of the cliff. He was afraid of Rey’s reaction to his outburst.

When he reached the top, the sun had set and he decided to sleep on his own that night. He needed to give Rey space.

His hut was dark, but he was tired and simply stripped his tunic off before collapsing onto his bed. He was immediately back on his feet when he heard a high pitched yelp.

“Rey? What are you _doing_ in here?”

She didn’t say anything, just looked up at him owlishly. He stared back.

Finally she grabbed his hand and tugged him forward. 

He complied and laid down again, careful not to crush her a second time.

He remained flat on his back, refusing to roll to her or touch her.

She huffed and buried her face into his shoulder, left arm curling around his neck, right hand tracing over the scars covering his chest.

He finally rested his arms around her back as she laid partially on top of him, carefully taking her hair out of the three knots on her head.

Once he was sure she was asleep, he gently kissed her forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking finally! *smooch* Kisses to all of you for sticking around this long for one disappointing kiss.


	15. Chapter 11 (Rey’s Perspective)

Finn looked to Kylo, “I _knew_ you were manipulating her, you’ve corrupted her, ruined her.”

It was an incredibly insulting exclamation. Kylo wouldn’t do that even if he could, he actively went out of his way to make sure that didn’t happen. But she was more hurt that someone she had considered a friend had just reduced her to something that weak and malleable.

Before she could even open her mouth to yell at him, Kylo had already rounded on him. 

“You don’t get to talk about her like that. She is stronger and better than the both of us. She is incorruptible, unbreakable, and if you say _anything_ else about her like that, I will cut you down without a second thought.” 

He waved his hand and the Finn collapsed, completely unconscious. She wondered if she’d dropped to the ground like that when Kylo had used the Force to knock her unconscious. She had the slight feeling he, at the very least, lowered her to the ground.

He wouldn’t look at her. She knew he was aware of her staring at him, but purposely looked only at Luke. He even cut herself off from her mentally. 

She watched as they carried Finn down to the Falcon. She hadn’t offered to go with them. At the moment she would’ve been fine with them just dragging him all the way down, by the feet, making sure to hit his head on a few rocks along the way.

She watched as the Falcon took off but turned towards her hut before it was out of view. She sat in her room as it got increasingly dark. Kylo still hadn’t come back, and he still kept her shut out. She knew he wasn’t going to come to her tonight, but she didn’t want to sleep without him. So she wandered over to his hut. 

It was more spartan than hers, it was just his mattress and some clothes. But she had carried his cloak- no, it was her cloak - with her and she curled up underneath it on his bed. She was warm and comfortable, especially compared to the night before. She was out within minutes.

She wasn’t woken by familiar arms encircling her and pulling her close. She was woken by being crushed. She yelped and the pressure was instantly gone.

“Rey? What are you _doing_ in here?”

She was about to say _he_ was the one in _her_ room, but looking around she was most definitely not in her bed. She didn’t really know how to explain why she was sleeping in his bed. So she just stared up at him.

She eventually grew tired with looking up at him, so she grabbed his hand and tugged him towards her. 

He followed slowly and laid down carefully. He didn’t move to hold her or touch her at all. He just laid stiffly on his back. She huffed in exasperation and rolled to face him. He still wouldn’t look at her, so she buried her face into his shoulder and curled her left arm around his neck. 

She went to place her right hand on his chest and was mildly surprised that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He’d always worn one around her, ever since she saw the scars on his back. She started tracing the scars covering his chest.

He ultimately wrapped his arms lightly around her back, his hands moving to take her hair out of the three knots on her head. He was incredibly gentle and she fell asleep to him running his fingers through her hair.

When she woke up, she half expected to be alone. She was not, Kylo was still asleep basically underneath her. It was in that moment that she realized why he always left before she was awake, she didn’t know what to do in this situation. She’d never been in any situation like this. On Jakku she kept a 5 foot radius around her and anyone within it got hit with her staff, that had only changed slightly after leaving Jakku. So waking up in the arms of another person, a man, a shirtless man, was unnerving. 

She was sorely tempted to leave, and hide from him until Luke came back, but then she’d be a hypocrite. So she stayed, not moving at all, praying that she’d fall back asleep and when she woke up the next time he would be gone.

Instead he groaned and rolled over, partially trapping her underneath him. She thought she felt his lips ghost against her shoulder before he nuzzled into the crook of her neck. He sighed against her skin and she for sure felt him kiss her collarbone.

She ignored the fluttery feeling in her chest when that happened, he was asleep, he didn’t know what he was doing, he was probably dreaming about someone else. So she shoved him in the ribs instead. He let out another groan and tried to bury his face further into her.

He wasn’t going to wake up, so she managed to slide out from underneath him and was in the process of trying to tie her back up into its three buns. But that apparently woke him up and his hand shot out to grab her wrist. 

“Where are you going?” his voice was heavy with sleep.

She actually hadn’t thought that far ahead. Luke wasn’t there to tell her what to do for once.

“Rey?” he called her again.

She turned around to look at him. His hair was a mess. “What?”

“Where are you going?”

She sighed, “Somewhere else.”

He frowned. His grip on her wrist tightened somewhat. _Stay._

“No.”

Hurt and confusion flickered across his face, but it was quickly replaced with impassive neutrality. He let go of her wrist. 

She took that as her cue to leave.

She paused at the doorway to look back at him. He was laying on his stomach again, long limbs sprawled out. His back was visible again. But instead of trying to count the scars covering it, she studied the angular planes.

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you? It’s rude to stare,” it came out muffled. He was teasing her again.

She could feel her face heat with embarrassment and quickly left.

She successfully avoided him the entire day, still unnerved by what had happened this morning.

She kept trying to talk herself down. He had no idea he’d kissed her, he’d been dreaming about someone he wanted to do that to or acting on muscle memory from a time when there was someone he would do it to. But a strange pit in her stomach formed whenever she thought about it like that. So she decided to not think about it at all and pretend it never happened because if she asked him he would’ve said he never did that and he wouldn’t realize that it wasn’t the truth.

Night was falling again and he hadn’t tried to reach for her through the bond, she hadn’t either, but she had thought, not hoped, just thought he would. But he’d left her alone. This was going to be a night where she slept alone.

She slightly despaired at the fact that they were back at square one again. It was partially her fault, but she was still disappointed. He’d specifically asked her not to shut him out again, but here they were, actively keeping each other at bay.

She couldn’t sleep. She just kept replaying the entire morning over and over again.

He’d asked her to stay and she said no. Every time she’d asked the same of him, he’d indulged her to the best of his ability. She had to fix this. So she got up and stumbled through the dark to his hut. She wondered if it was this difficult for him to come to her in the middle of the night.

She paused at his door way, he was on his back staring at the ceiling. She realized that every night when he’d come to her he’d worn a shirt for her comfort, to hide the scars from her because moonlight streaming in brought them into harsh relief. Part of her crumbled at that realization.

She knew he was aware of her presence, but he hadn’t said anything.

_Aren’t you going to tell me it’s rude to stare?_

He glanced at her, _go to bed Rey._

She stepped inside, _that’s what I’m doing._

_Go to_ your _bed._

She couldn’t help but be hurt by his dismissive attitude. _So you’re allowed to come into my space, but I’m not allowed in yours?_

_No, I should’ve never gone to you in the first place. That was a mistake. I’m sorry for that._

_I thought we’d gotten past you trying to save me from yourself._

_We had, and then I remembered that it’s my obligation to do so._

Why?

_Because you deserve that._

_Deserve what? Whatever it is I don’t want it._

He stood up, finally looking at her, there was a pained expression on his face.

_Yes you do, and I’m not the one to give it to you._

_But I need you._

_I know, but you deserve better._

_Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?_

_Yeah, maybe._

_So just tell me._ She was pleading now.

He looked at her with that unreadable expression. _Let me have this one secret from you. I will never lie to you or hide anything from you as long as you let me have this one thing._

_And if I don’t?_

_You’ll realize that even if you need me, it’s not worth keeping me around._

_Telling me won’t change anything._

_It will, trust me._

_It won’t change how I feel._

_How you feel? Rey, you don’t even know if you no longer despise me because for some reason you’ve forgiven me or if it was for self-preservation. If we didn’t have this bond, you would’ve made sure I stayed dead._

_But we do have this bond-_

_I’m sorry, but I can’t. I cannot go to you or have you come to me every night. It’s not fair to you and I can’t separate it from reality._

_This is reality…_

_No, this is you coming to use something that you’ve grown accustomed to having every night. And in the morning you’ll come to your senses and you’ll realize you made a mistake. Why do you think I always left before you woke up? It wasn’t because I had pressing things to do or felt uncomfortable, I’d never felt more at peace, it was so you wouldn’t wake up in the arms of a monster._

_But that didn’t happen this morning._

_You left._

_Because I was scared! But not of you._

He swallowed hard. _Then what were you scared of?_

_Need. I don’t know what I mean when I say I need you, and I’m afraid to find out. I need you. But I don’t need you in the way I need water or food or sleep. I know I need you, but I’ve never experienced a need for a person. I don’t know what it means._

_Of course you don’t know what it means. I am so sorry Rey._ He had that unreadable expression on his face.

_What is that supposed to mean?_

_You don’t know what something is if you’ve never been exposed to it or have had it explained to you. And that is something distinctly lacking on Jakku._

_What is it?_

_I can’t tell you._

_Why not?_

_Because you’ll hate me for it, and I’m selfish._

_Please._

He looked at her sadly. _There isn’t a worse person to love or be loved by than me._ He turned away and blocked her off mentally.

She left.

That unreadable expression. That was the way you looked at the person you were in love with. He was in love with her. And he was sorry for it.

She didn’t need him, but she didn’t want to live without him. That was love. She loved him. He was sorry for that too.

She got the distinct feeling that those types of love weren’t the same. That he was just sad about.

But that wasn’t all there was to it. There were all the other things he made her feel. She hadn’t gone to him out of need this night. She’d gone to him because she wanted to be held in his arms again, she’d gone to him because she was in love with him.

She went back to his hut. He was still awake, but he didn’t tell her to leave, instead he moved over to give her room and allowed her to lay down next to him.

She knotted her fingers up in his hair and pressed her lips to his collarbone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They’re being honest with themselves! Took them long enough.
> 
> I don't know how to write romance *hangs head in shame*


	16. Chapter 11 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

He woke up face down in his own bed. But he knew he had fallen asleep with Rey in his arms. Part of him wondered if she'd already left, it would be a little hypocritical, but he deserved it.

Then his mattress shifted. She was still here. He turned over and grasped her wrist. She'd been putting her hair back into those three knots.

"Where are you going?"

She didn't answer, didn't even look at him.

"Rey?"

She finally turned around, "What?"

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere else," she said with a sigh.

He didn't want her to go and he unconsciously gripped her wrist a little tighter. _Stay._

"No."

He let go of her as if she'd burned him. He didn't know why he was so shocked. He didn't have any right to feel hurt by her rejection.

She left and he rolled back onto his stomach, burying his face in the mattress.

He felt her pause, she was surveying his back again. He wasn't self conscious about his scars, but he knew they made her uncomfortable so he'd done his best to keep them out of sight. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything he could do about the one bisecting his face.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you? It's rude to stare," he tried to come across as teasing. He didn't want her to know that he'd actually been hurt by her rejection.

He also did it because she had a habit of leaving him alone if she felt embarrassed. She quickly left without saying a word.

He laid there for another hour or so, until he was positive that she was no longer in the general vicinity. Only then did he leave and trek towards his area in the middle of a grove of trees, not far from where Rey had resurfaced the other day.

Today as he meditated, he watched himself murder his father and get shot by the Wookie multiple times. He witnessed it from the traitor's perspective, Rey's perspective, Chewbacca's perspective, and his own. But the worst was experiencing it as his father had.

He had been so happy to see his son, but heartbroken by the pain Kylo was in. He knew walking out on that platform would mean walking to his death. He hadn't been afraid, it hadn't hurt. He was ready. The only feeling he felt as he fell was gratefulness. He was grateful he got to see his son one last time, got to caress his son's cheek one last time.

That one left him a distraught mess. He felt so much shame, guilt, and regret. But most of all, he missed his father. He wished he'd gone home with him.

He curled in on himself and sobbed, finally grieving for him.

He stayed in the clearing until the sun began to set.

He hadn't tried to meditate again. He wasn't ready for that. He'd just sat there, trying to find _some_ semblance of balance within himself, fighting the urge to reach out for Rey.

He'd really dropped the ball when it came to her. He couldn't keep going to her, he had to distance himself again. He knew he was a monster, that he should stay away. He knew she could never love him, but the way she looked at him sometimes, how she let him hold her, it made him forget.

He went to his hut, not even considering going into hers. She hadn't tried to connect with him today anyways.

He stripped off his shirt, sat down on his bed, and leaned against the wall. He looked down at the starburst shaped scar left by the bow caster wound.

He traced it, pressed into it, but there was nothing, the nerve endings were ruined. The only sensation he felt when he clawed at it was the rough texture of scar tissue beneath his fingers tips.

He dropped his hand and tilted his head back, shutting his eyes. He tried to tune out his surroundings, he just wanted to sleep.

But she was there. He could sense Rey standing just outside his hut. She was staring at him again. He pointedly ignored her, hoping she'd go away.

He had no such luck.

_Aren't you going to tell me it's rude to stare?_

He flicked his eyes over to her. _Go to bed Rey._

He felt her confusion. _That's what I'm doing._

 _Go to_ your _bed._

She bristled at that, becoming slightly angry. _So you’re allowed to come into my space, but I’m not allowed in yours?_

_No, I should’ve never gone to you in the first place. That was a mistake. I’m sorry for that._

_I thought we’d gotten past you trying to save me from yourself._

_We had, and then I remembered that it’s my obligation to do so._

_Why?_

_Because you deserve that._

_Deserve what? Whatever it is I don’t want it._

Groaning inwardly, he stood up, finally looking her in the eyes. He despaired at the fact he had to do this.

_Yes you do, and I’m not the one to give it to you._

_But I need you._

_I know, but you deserve better._

_Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?_

_Yeah, maybe._

_So just tell me._

He wanted to tell her, he wanted her to know what she meant to him, but he couldn’t. _Let me have this one secret from you. I will never lie to you or hide anything from you as long as you let me have this one thing._

 _And if I don’t?_ She was nothing if not persistent.

_You’ll realize that even if you need me, it’s not worth keeping me around._

_Telling me won’t change anything._

He had to stop himself from actually laughing. _It will, trust me._

_It won’t change how I feel._

_How you feel? Rey, you don’t even know if you no longer despise me because for some reason you’ve forgiven me or if it was for self-preservation. If we didn’t have this bond, you would’ve made sure I stayed dead._

_But we do have this bond-_

_I’m sorry, but I can’t. I cannot go to you or have you come to me every night. It’s not fair to you and I can’t separate it from reality._

_This is reality…_

_No, this is you coming to use something that you’ve grown accustomed to having every night. And in the morning you’ll come to your senses and you’ll realize you made a mistake. Why do you think I always left before you woke up? It wasn’t because I had pressing things to do or felt uncomfortable, I’d never felt more at peace, it was so you wouldn’t wake up in the arms of a monster._

_But that didn’t happen this morning._

_You left._ He hoped she didn't sense how much that had hurt him.

_Because I was scared! But not of you._

_Then what were you scared of?_

_Need. I don’t know what I mean when I say I need you, and I’m afraid to find out. I need you. But I don’t need you in the way I need water or food or sleep. I know I need you, but I’ve never experienced a need for a person. I don’t know what it means._

She loved him. She had no idea, she hadn't experienced that before. But she wasn't _in_ love with him. He hadn't screwed up that badly.

 _Of course you don’t know what it means. I’m so sorry Rey._ He truly was.

_What is that supposed to mean?_

_You don’t know what something is if you’ve never been exposed to it or have had it explained to you. And that is something distinctly lacking on Jakku._

_What is it?_

_I can’t tell you._

_Why not?_ She wouldn't let up.

_Because you’ll hate me for it, and I’m selfish._

_Please._

He couldn't deny her anything. _There is no one worse to love or be loved by than me._

He turned around and shut her out before she could react.

He heard her leave and he sighed. He was relieved she hadn't attacked him, he'd partially been expecting that.

Maybe it was best that he finally told her. She wouldn't come near him, physically or through the bond again. 

Part of him wished he kept his mouth shut so that instead of losing her completely, he could at least be holding her, even if she'd never love him the same way. But it had hurt too much, and he was bound to screw up at some point eventually.

He laid down on his bed again and banged the back of his head on the wall a few times. At least he'd gotten to hold her at all, it was far more than he deserved.

He went back to tracing his scars, reminding himself of how he'd gotten them, why it was best that she'd stay away completely now.

But there she was, standing in his doorway again. She was too stubborn for her own good, but he still moved over, giving her room to lie down.

She sat next to him, not touching him or saying anything. Finally she leaned over and he wrapped his arms around her as she knotted her hands in his hair. 

Then she pressed one kiss onto his collarbone. He froze completely. He hadn't expected her to come back, let alone let him hold her after he admitted than he was in love with her. But even before he let his biggest secret slip, he'd never thought that was something she'd actually do.

She stiffened in his arms. He could feel her beginning to panic, so he squeezed her tighter and kissed the top of her head. She relaxed and nuzzled his shoulder, removing one of her arms from around his neck to begin tracing his scars again. He'd done it angrily, to remind himself he was a monster, but she was gentle, almost caressing each one.

He let out a soft sigh against her hair and she paused. It was his turn to panic, this was the part where the entire situation blew up in his face. But all she did was move one of his hands to her hair, a silent instruction to undo the knots.

She didn't resume her tracing of the scars on his chest, but reached around and began running her fingers over the scars coving his back. He shuddered slightly, he wasn't used to anyone touching his back without it being followed by excruciating pain. But there wasn't any, just her delicate strokes across his scars. 

Once he'd recovered, he finished taking her hair down. He ran his fingers through it a couple times and resettled his hands on the small of her back. 

She stopped and rolled away from him. Once again, he worried she'd leave, but she only rested on her side and grabbed one of his hands and placed it around her waist. He adjusted himself so he was holding her once more.

Her hair was in his face, so he nudged it out of the way with his nose. He couldn't help himself; he placed one kiss on the back of her neck.

He waited for her to hit him, but all she did was pull him closer before falling asleep in his arms.

He woke up with his arms still wrapped around her, but she was facing him instead, studying his face. She reached her hand out, but he didn't flinch as she rested her finger tips on the top of his scar. She slowly traced it down, lips slightly parted, as if she couldn't believe this was happening.

He couldn't blame her for that, but he still had to fight down the urge to kiss her. He removed his arms from their position around her and rolled onto his back. 

She looked displeased by that. _What are you doing?_

 _Letting you go._ He didn't quite understand the question.

 _Why?_ A mixture of confusion and hurt surrounded her.

 _Because you want to leave._ He wasn't going to put himself through hoping she'd stay and being reminded that she shouldn't.

 _No._ "You don't get to say…to say what you said and then immediately push me away again because you think you need to protect me from you."

"For once, I'm not doing it for your benefit."

He moved to sit up, but she placed one palm on his chest, leaning over him. "Then why?" She implored.

"Because I know what you'll say. And I'd rather not actually hear it from you, to save some scrap of dignity I may have left."

"How do you know what I'll say?"

He sighed.

"I know because the only rational response is, 'We're bonded, we always will be, but that's it. You're not good, but I am and I deserve better.'"

 _Why?_ She asked softly through their bond.

"Because I'm a monster. I know you can't love me, and I'm so sorry that I'm in love with you."

That was the first time he'd ever said those words to anyone. And he was apologizing for it.

"But-"

"It's ok, I understand. I'm not mad. If you want me to go, I'll go," he cut her off.

She reared back on her haunches, tilting her head slightly. Then she smacked him in the face. 

He scrambled away from her, at least she hadn't punched him again. "What was that for?"

"Being an insufferable idiot."

"I'm just being rational!"

"No, you're projecting how you expect me how to feel because you're afraid of how I actually feel," she accused.

"Absolutely, because one of us needs to be logical and you don't make good decisions when it comes to me."

"Oh and you make great decisions, murdering your own father was a marvelous idea."

He knew his face fell and she could see regret in his expression because she immediately began trying to apologize, "I'm sorry, that crossed a line."

He gently grabbed her wrists to stop her from gesturing wildly.

"No you didn't," he began softly, "You're absolutely right. I make terrible choices that have caused so many people grief and pain; I caused you grief and pain."

She didn't say anything, just stared at him.

"Don't you see Rey? I'm not good, especially not for you," he implored.

She nodded, looking down at her hands.

He knew he shouldn't, but he reached out to try to comfort her.

She recoiled from his touch. He tried to be pleased by that. It was what he wanted after all, for her to stay away.

But she didn't leave, she just sat there, staring at her hands.

"Why would you tell me that you…why would you tell me and not do anything about it?" She sounded sad.

"You asked me to," he replied gently.

"And I thought you'd do something about it! Don't you know why I came back? It wasn't out of pity or need. It was because I wanted to...I wanted you," she muttered that last part, her face flushing.

"Rey…I can't. If you keep pushing this, I may never let you go." She was playing with fire.

"Good!"

"What?" That was supposed to be the opposite of good.

"You're in love with me," she stated bluntly and he felt the tips of his ears turn red, "Well I feel the same way."

He sighed, "No you don't, you might love me, but you're not in love with me."

Then she lunged forward and kissed him. It was more her smashing her lips against his, as if to prove a point, than anything else, and she pulled away just as quickly.

She was glaring at him. "I am in love with you," she said through clenched teeth

All he could do was gape at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter for now, I'm going on a bit of a hiatus. Unfortunately, I've lost my inspiration, probably because there are no longer other things that I'm supposed to be doing instead of writing. I promise to come back to this fic, it's going to be finished at some point. I'm just not sure where to take it next. Feel free to pitch some ideas or things that you want to have happen, I'll try to incorporate it into the story. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this story, your comments make my day and I love sharing with you. I hope to be back at it soon. <3


	17. Chapter 12 (Rey’s Perspective)

She'd kissed him. It hadn't been gentle and she'd done it to prove a point, but she’d kissed him, on the lips.

She told him she was in love with. She actually said that out loud.

He just stared at her, mouth slightly open. She felt her face turning red and she wished she could just disappear. She'd never kissed anyone before, but she knew what she'd done barely counted as one. 

She began to worry that there was something else she'd done wrong and she started to get up, completely mortified. But then he pulled her towards him into his lap and rested his chin on the crown of her head.

_Stay._

She didn't say no this time, instead she wound her fingers in his hair as an answer.

"You're too stubborn for your own good," he murmured into her hair. 

She scoffed, “And you’re not?”

“I deserve the consequences.”

She tugged on his hair a bit, a reminder that he needed to stay where he was, that he couldn’t shut her out again.

She didn’t know what was supposed to happen next. She was completely unexperienced with intimacy of any kind. She realized, with no small amount of possessiveness that he probably was. She was embarrassed by how vulnerable she felt.

She felt fear rising within her, she needed to get away. She’d made a mistake. She couldn’t do this, she was a scavenger. She was supposed to be alone, no matter how she felt. Even if the person she was in love with loved her too.

She climbed off of the bed and began pacing.

He was looking at her with trepidation, “Rey…?”

She stopped and turned to him, she knew she looked frantic, “I can’t do this.”

He looked devastated, but he nodded. _I know._

“No,” she hadn’t meant for it to come across like that, “I don’t know what I’m doing. What happens now?”

He looked at her, eyebrow raised, “I trained with _Luke_ and then with _Snoke._ I’m not supposed to love _anyone,_ and you’re not supposed to love _me.”_

“But you…” she gestured vaguely.

Confusion flickered across his face, “I what?”

“You know how the other stuff works.” Her face was burning and she looked at the ground.

He nodded slightly in affirmation, but added, “Rey, you set the limits. I don’t expect anything from you.”

“But what do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to taint you like that."

He was absolutely infuriating. “I don’t need to be _saved_ from you. How do you not get that? I _know_ how you feel, and you know I feel the same! Why do you _still_ insist on keeping your distance?”

A strange looked flickered across his face, his eyes turning darker than she thought possible.

Then he physically shoved her against the wall, caging her in with his arms. His nose was almost touching hers and he surveyed her face like she was prey that he was about to devour.

“Because restraint is not a strength I possess,” he hissed before bitting down on her lower lip.

She gasped at the sensation and could tell he’d made her bleed, but he’d quickly swiped his tongue over it in an apology of sorts before he went on to slide it into her mouth, coaxing her own tongue to take advantage of what he was offering.

She tangled her hands in his hair again and he pulled her hair so her head tilted back and placed bruising kisses along her neck. When he reached her collarbone he bit down, hard enough to leave an imprint of his teeth. He quickly went back to roughly kissing her lips.

It was too much and not enough at the same time.

She was in freefall. 

And he broke away all too soon. He leaned back in one last time to press a gentle chaste kiss to her swollen lips. He gazed at her for a second, eyes frenzied, pupils blown wide. He dropped his arms and backed away from her.

She was breathless as she still reached for him, wanting him closer again. He turned away from her and walked out of his hut, leaving her standing there bewildered.

She eventually gathered herself and followed him outside. He was standing at the edge of the cliff, looking into the sky. He appeared to be waiting for something.

He’d been waiting for Luke evidently as the Falcon broke through the atmosphere and grew closer before dipping down to land.

She wondered how he’d known Luke was close. 

Kylo began to head down towards the Falcon to meet him. She debated following him, but she ultimately decided against it - because he probably had something to privately discuss with Luke, not because she felt incredibly vulnerable.

She waited for them to make it back up. It was taking them unusually long. She sat down to meditate, closing her eyes.

They flew open and she was immediately on her feet when she heard the Falcon come to life again.

_Is Luke leaving again?_

She only received silence from Kylo through the bond.

She felt her stomach drop as she watched the Falcon take off and disappear into the distance.

He wouldn’t have done that, any minute Kylo’s mess of hair would peak over the edge and he’d be standing in front of her again. He didn’t leave. He didn’t leave her.

But as she saw Luke emerge, she knew that he had. He had left her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating for over a month. I had no idea where I was going with this story and was utterly uninspired. This chapter is pretty short, but it's a bridge into where I'm planning on taking the story next. Feel free to leave ideas that you'd like to see incorporated. Updates should come more regularly for now. <3


	18. Chapter 13 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

It’d taken every ounce of his self-control to force himself to pull away from her. He’d almost caved when she’d reached for him again. But, he could sense Luke was getting close and there was something he needed to take care of.

He couldn’t keep hiding here. He couldn’t stay. 

He needed to make things right.

He began heading down toward the shore, grateful Rey hadn’t followed him. If she did, he wouldn’t be able to do what was needed.

He put his arm up to block the spray of ocean water created as the Falcon touched down. Squinting against the burning salt of it and the sun’s reflection off the water.

He considered asking Skywalker what happened to the traitor, but ultimately decided that as long as his survival was kept secret, FN-2187’s fate wasn’t something he cared about.

Skywalker initially seemed surprised to see him standing there, but understanding quickly crossed his face.

“Does she know?”

“No, wouldn’t be able to do this if she did.”

“You could use her on this.”

“No. I’m not putting her at risk like that.”

“So, what should I tell her when she realizes you’re gone, I don’t want to be the one to tell here you’ve left because you are trying to protect her — again.”

“Tell her…tell her I’m sorry.”

His Uncle nodded solemnly, moving out of the way to allow him to board the Falcon, “May the Force be with you Ben.”

“Tell my mother I’m sorry too,” he didn’t need to tell Skywalker that he was sorry for what he’d done to him, he already knew.

Seconds after he began to take off, Rey was in his head. _Is Luke leaving again?_

He elected not to respond; she’d know soon enough.

The less they exercised the connection, the better. He was going to face Snoke, he had to, but he needed to do his best to keep Rey out of his reach.

He’d barely broken through the atmosphere when Rey’s anger and hurt viciously bled through their bond.

She knew. He couldn’t think about whether or not she’d forgive him, not when there was a good chance he’d never see her again.

He wanted to go back, wanted to hide on Ach-To for the rest of his life, with her.

But that wasn’t an option, so he punched in the coordinates for Jedha and made the jump to hyperspace.

It had slightly recovered in the 30 plus years since the Death Star ravaged it and Snoke had already combed the moon looking for Skywalker, so his presence there would most likely go unnoticed. 

It was a safe a place as any. He didn’t want to admit it, but the moon’s connection to the Force and the Jedi was also something he wanted to immerse himself in. 

He landed the Falcon in the midst of the ruins of the Holy City, remaining in the cockpit a moment longer, memorizing it.

Eventually, he disembarked. He missed his helmet and his cloak, he’d forgotten despite the moon being a desert wasteland it was freezing. He’d actually debated taking his cloak back from Rey, but he wanted her to have something of his to keep, since he likely wouldn’t make it out of this alive.

He gripped his lightsaber tighter, he didn't have the time to think about his physical discomfort or his impeding death.

His Knights had worked outside of the Order, answering solely to him, but with his death he wasn’t sure where their loyalties' would lie. Either Snoke appointed his second in command to the rank of Master or they were operating under Snoke’s control. 

Best case scenario, they would come to his location and he’d have to convince them to still follow his orders even though the ones he’d give would almost certainly lead them all to their deaths.

Worst case, Hux and the entire First Order come instead and he becomes a prisoner, he gets tortured, Snoke pulls whatever information he wants from his mind, despite all of his mental defenses, and then Hux kills him.

Actually, there was one scenario that could be worse than him failing, despite his best efforts. He didn’t know if it was possible, but Snoke had already managed to do something similar to him when he was a child. But there was a chance Snoke could manipulate and control him, force him to murder Skywalker and Rey, bring that damn ring to him. 

He chose to ignore that possibility, he’d impale himself on his saber before he let that happen.

The Knights were all Force sensitive, nowhere near the level he or Rey was at, but they had some natural abilities. The reason they were as powerful and skilled as they were was, although Snoke trained them in the beginning, Snoke quickly deemed him as the only one truly worthy of his time and effort, leaving him to try to shape a group of mildly gifted individuals into a fierce group of warriors. 

Snoke would occasionally test him along with the other Knights, their successes and failures determined the severity of torture he received from him.

So he’d worked them hard. He’d ensured they were competent with sabers by constantly dueling them. A couple lost limbs or suffered burns, but they eventually became good enough that it only took three of them against him to be an even fight. They developed Force abilities after he tortured them repeatedly by using the Force through them. 

He’d pried into his Knights’ minds often in the past, but never from this far away. He didn’t actually know where they were, their previous base of operations was Starkiller, the safest assumption was that they’d moved aboard the Finalizer. Hux definitely wouldn’t like that.

He was pretty sure that the Finalizer was lurking somewhere in the Unknown Regions, close enough to the planet that Snoke had built a fortress around himself on, so that Hux could easily go to him if needed, but far enough so that no one but Hux actually knew where it was.

As far as he knew only Hux, himself and his Knights had actually been to that planet and he and Hux were the only one’s who knew the location and how to get there.

He reached out through the Force, searching for his second in command. Given the number of people around him, and Hux’s presence, he’d been right about the Finalizer. He hoped his Upsilon-class shuttle was still onboard accessible for their use, he couldn’t have the Finalizer orbiting around Jedha.

He sighed out loud, finally tugging on his Knight’s mind.

_Ren? You’re supposed to be dead._

He fought down a sarcastic comeback. _I take it you’re their master now?_

_Temporarily, Snoke is the one calling the shots now though…_

The bitterness was evident in the Knight’s tone, but he wasn’t worried about that, he was worried that Snoke was aware that he was alive.

_Why temporarily?_

_He wants that scavenger that bested you._

He let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He still had the upper hand, Snoke didn’t know he was alive.

_Since your appointment is temporary, that means I’m in charge again and you answer to me._

He knew the Knight had a stronger sense of loyalty to him than to Snoke. After all, he was the one who made him second in command and fought along side him. His frustration with Snoke also made him more willing to follow his orders.

_Should the Supreme Leader be made aware of this?_

_No, gather the rest of the Knights and take my ship to Jedha_

_Your ship was last on Dathomir, where you were supposed to have died._

_General Hux wouldn’t have left that ship to fall into disrepair on Dathomir. He’ll have hidden it somewhere on the Finalizer. Find it. Disable the tracking. Come to Jedha City._

_Yes, Ren._

_Don’t tell Supreme Leader, General Hux, or the other Knights why. I’d rather not have to maim you for insubordination._

_It will be taken care of._

The whole conversation went better than expected. He could tell the Knight had been wary about not telling Snoke, but was confident that his secret was safe for now.

Now he needed to focus on hiding the Falcon. He realized he could’ve fixed the ship the Traitor came to Ach-To in instead of taking the Falcon and abandoning it on Jedha, but there was something symbolic about taking the Falcon. It had felt right.

Still, he wasn’t going to leave it buried in ruins and just hope no one found it. He stuck several tracking devices inside the ship and a few outside before using the Force to shift the ruins of the city around, creating a hollowed out section for him to Force push the Falcon into.

He again moved the ruins around to finish concealing the Falcon underneath the rubble.

Satisfied with his handiwork, he climbed up to the tallest, flattest point that still had enough space for a ship to land somewhat safely.

He gazed out across the landscape, waiting for the sun to begin to lighten the sky and the stars to disappear.

He felt surprisingly at peace, despite the pain echoing across the bond. He’d buried it deep enough for it to become a dull ache that he could ignore or use to focus.

The wind picked up and the temperature steadily dropped despite the sun beginning its assent.

He closed his eyes, risking his sanity in an attempt to meditate.

For the first time, he wasn’t assulted by the atrocities he’d committed, instead he was surrounded by the sense of serenity that he’d experienced while he was dead. Although there was a strong undertone of great sorrow this time. Before he could explore that more, he sensed his ship approaching and quickly rose to his feet, not wanting to be seen in such a vulnerable position.

He came to the sinking realization that they would see him in a vulnerable position either way. He had no helmet. Less than ten people, not including a handful of storm troopers and medical personnel, had actually seen his adult face. The Knights were not among that select group.

As the ship continued to get closer, filling him with dread, he remembered that he actually had a spare helmet in a compartment on board. He could salvage this situation. 

He drew up the hood of the cloak he was wearing, covering the top half of his face. It was better than nothing.

He kept his head down as his shuttle landed in front of him.

He ascended the ramp, heading straight for the panel in the wall where his replacement helmet was held.

“Ren?” his second in command asked.

He ignored him, back towards all of them as he took the helmet and lowered his hood, quickly shoving the helmet on and locking it into place.

Finally, he turned around.

“What?” he was secretly pleased to hear his words spoken in that mechanical voice again. 

“Can you fill us in now? Or is this a mission we’re supposed to be kept in the dark for?”

He paused, not quite sure how to best phrase: we’re going to commit treason against the First Order and kill Snoke; we’ll all probably die, painfully.

He turned to his second in command, “Next time I die, you’re in charge — until someone over throws you. The Knights will answer to you, not the Supreme Leader.”

He pushed past them and stepped into the cockpit. He sat in the pilot’s seat and entered the coordinates to Snoke into the navicomputer and settled in for what could possibly be the last hours of his life.

His second in command joined him later, sliding into the copilot’s seat, “Ren, where are we going?” 

“Snoke,” he muttered.

“Why?”

He knew saying that killing Snoke is the only way to save the Galaxy, the New Republic, and to bring balance to the Force would only get him murdered by the other Knights, so he settled on, “We’re staging a coup.”

He knew his Knights could get behind over throwing Snoke and the First Order, they wanted the Knights of Ren to be the ruling party of the Galaxy instead of a periphery group affiliated with the First Order. 

“Shouldn’t we start with the Finalizer then?”

“Are you suggesting you have a better plan?” he cocked his head slightly, a move that he’d discovered was intimidating.

Truthfully, he genuinely respected that his second in command was brave enough to question his decisions. But right now he needed his orders to be followed wholeheartedly.

“No, just wondering why we’re starting with Snoke.”

“Snoke probably suspects something already. We don’t need to confirm his suspicions until absolutely necessary, we need any advantage we can get.”

“So this is a suicide mission.”

“Yes,” he bit out through clenched teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, last chapter was the end of Act II of A Broken Connection and we're looking at one or two more.
> 
> I do not know how to write happy endings. They always seem unfinished to me. So help me find a ending where neither one dies and stays that way because I want to give you that happy ending, unless you don't want it, in which case I got this covered. 
> 
> As much as I write this story because I enjoy it and I want to tell it my way, I also write it for you because without you, I may have never written anything past Kylo being dead. You guys are the reason this story is still being written and I can't thank you enough because it really is one of my favorite things to do. 
> 
> It case this note hasn't made it clear; I love all of you.


	19. Chapter 13 (Rey’s Perspective)

She stared into the empty sky, eyes locked onto where the Falcon was just before it disappeared.

He was just going on a supply run, he’d be back soon.

He wouldn’t have abandon her like this. He’d at least say goodbye. 

But she knew these were only lies she was telling herself. She finally looked away from the sky and made eye contact with Luke.

He’d been staring at her sadly, “Ben finally told you?”

Luke didn't need to specify that he was asking if Kylo told her he loved her. It was more of a statement that question anyways.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak without getting choked up. She refused to cry over this.

She'd been abandoned before, this was no different.

"And?"

She shot him a questioning look.

"Well he was in one piece so I'm assuming you didn't attack him again, so what did you do?"

"I —" she tried to tell him what happened, but traitorous tears pricked behind her eyes and she shut up.

"That explains why he left."

"How?" she asked angrily.

“He needs to prove himself, he has something to fight for now.”

“He’s going to Snoke… Why would you let him go?!”

“You know as well as I do that if he sets his mind to it, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him. You fought him on Starkiller, you saw what he’s like.”

“Why didn’t you go with him?!” she was furious at Luke, she couldn’t believe he just let Kylo do something so reckless. Still, she couldn’t help but ask in a significantly quieter voice, “Why didn’t he take me with him?”

“He—“

“He what? He wanted to protect me? Keep me safe? I don’t need protection! I need to get to him before he gets himself killed!”

“He needs to do this himself. This is something he needs to do alone.”

“You can’t allow him to do something so incredibly stupid just to assuage his guilt. Snoke will destroy him!”

“You don’t think he knows that? He knows what Snoke is capable of better than anyone else. He is well aware of the odds he faces.”

“So he’s walking into a situation that he knows will get him killed, how could you let him do that?”

“He has more than a few things he needs to make amends for.”

“And he can’t do it alone!”

“He’s not.”

“Who? Who is he bringing with him?”

“The Knights of Ren.”

“Great, he’s planning on killing Snoke with the aid of a group of people loyal to Snoke. He needs us!”

“The Knights are loyal to him, not Snoke. And we can’t risk joining him.”

“Why not? He needs all the help he can get!”

“He needs us to stay alive, incase he fails.”

“No, he needs our help,” she walked past Luke, down towards the ship Finn came in, she needed to leave as soon as possible so she set about fixing it quickly.

The sun had begun to set by the time Luke came down to join her and the ship was almost flight ready.

“Rey,” he started softly, but she ignored him and kept working, “when I was still in my early training with Yoda, I faced a similar situation, my friends were in danger and I rushed off to save them, despite my master’s advice. I should’ve listened; I wasn’t ready.”

“I. Don’t. Care. I can’t just let him…he can’t just go…I need him to stay alive.”

“Then tell me Rey, where are you going to find him?”

She paused them, sitting back on her haunches. She could still sense Kylo, but he’d hidden himself from her. He’d done that before on Ach-To and she hadn’t been able to find them. If she couldn’t even do it while they were on the same planet, she had no chance of finding him now.

“I’m going back to the Resistance, they’ll have some info on the First Order’s location, I’ll find him. Besides, Leia deserves to know her son is probably going to get himself killed.”

She went back to work on the ship, she was almost done. 

Luke put a hand on her shoulder, “I’ll go with you.”

“Thank you,” she muttered quietly.

Once they were in the ship, ready to take off, Luke asked, “Do you know how to fly this thing?”

She couldn’t help the small smile that spread onto her face as she repeated one of Poe’s favorite sayings, “I can fly anything.”

She punched in the coordinates for D’Qar after quickly informing the Resistance they were coming.

Once they settled in as they flew through hyperspace she finally asked, “What did Leia do about Finn?”

“Leia was raised in politics, she can be very convincing.”

“She actually convinced him to not say anything?”

“No, she detained him under guise of him breaking several protocols, including hacking into a secure server to obtain classified coordinates.”

“She just has him sitting alone in an interrogation room?”

“No, she's let Poe go in and talk to him.”

“Poe knows about Kylo?!”

“Yes, which is fine. He’s more loyal to Leia than I’ve ever been.”

“Do… Do they know about the… the other thing?” she still couldn’t manage to say it out loud without a combination of embarrassment and overwhelming hopelessness.

“As far as I know, there are only three living people who know how Ben feels about you, two of whom are in this ship.”

She let out a sigh of relief, she couldn’t deal with that right now, she couldn’t let herself get overwhelmed, she needed to focus, she needed to get him back. She could worry about the other stuff later.

“But Leia and Poe know how Finn feels about you and I’m pretty sure all three of them all suspect that Ben loves you.”

“What about how I… how I… feel?”

“Leia and Poe probably suspect it. Finn wouldn’t believe it even if you point blank told him you loved Ben.”

She sighed again, not in relief but in resignation. More people knew than she would’ve preferred, but it could’ve been worse. It could be widespread knowledge that Kylo was alive. Given the turn of events, it was surprising that there wasn’t already a bounty on his head.

They fell silent and she tried to tug on the bond between her and Kylo. The only sign that he was still alive was the familiar burn she got when she tried to slip into his mind when he didn’t want her there.

She gave up. She tried not to be mad. She could be mad at him once she was sure he was safe. She might murder him, but she needed to be the one to do it. She was owed that.

She was going to find him, drag him back, murder him, and set him on fire.

She spent the rest of their time in hyperspace alternating between being furious, terrified, and frantically trying to get him to respond to her.

And still the only thing she got was the reassurance that he was still alive at the moment. Given his track record, that could change at any minute.

She didn’t want to think about what would happen if he got killed, their bond had only gotten stronger which would make it so much worser than the last time.

He was still keeping her shut out when they finally landed. It was becoming harder and harder to keep her fear for him under control.

Leia was waiting for them in the hanger, lips pursed, arms crossed.

When she and Luke exited the ship, Leia immediately walked up to Luke and smacked him upside the head.

“What in the hell were you thinking?! My son was alive, he wasn’t under Snoke’s control, and you let him go on a suicide mission before I even got to see him again!”

“Leia, you raised Ben, you know that there wasn’t any way anyone could’ve stopped him.”

“You could’ve at least gone with him!”

“You know that wouldn’t have been wise.”

“Rey, Rey could’ve stopped him.”

She looked down, shamefully, if she hadn’t been so afraid to follow him after he’d kissed her, he wouldn’t have left. She knew that, he wouldn’t have been able to leave if she’d asked him to stay.

“No, she would’ve gone with him and we’d be down two Force sensitives.” 

He was right, and understood why that would’ve been bad, but that didn’t make it any easier.

“General, do you have any idea of where the First Order or Snoke may be hiding?”

“You can find him?” desperation and hope seeped into Leia’s voice. She didn’t want to let the General down.

“If I can narrow down the area he may be in, and go to that area, I can find him,” it was a lie, she had no way of doing that if he didn’t want to be found, but she hoped he would let her in before that became a problem or that Snoke’s presence would be overpowering enough to show her where she needed to go.

“I’ll bring up the star charts,” Leia turned around and briskly walked away.

Luke nudged her, indicating that they should follow his sister.


	20. Chapter 14 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

As far as he knew, the planet had no name. It wasn't marked on any charts, the coordinates weren't saved anywhere. The only reason he remembered them was because Snoke had tortured him until the memory of them was as permanent as the scars he'd received during the process.

He could feel dread rising up within him, but it wasn't his own. He wanted to turn back, badly, but he was used to wanting to turn back. It was a feeling he'd lived with from the moment he'd turned on Luke. This was different though, he wasn't afraid anymore.

He was ready. Well, ready to face his death, he wasn't remotely prepared enough to actually stand a chance.

That dread belonged to Rey.

He'd felt her trying to get him to connect with her. He'd firmly slammed up his mental defenses. She hadn't been deterred originally, but she eventually gave up.

That was good, the less she was aware of what was happening on his end, the better.

The flight was silent, which was typical, they usually only spoke when he was giving them orders or they were asking for instructions.

It felt good to be in charge again, to be wearing his helmet. He was in his element, this was where he thrived. 

And he was about to tear it all down.

He didn't have an actual plan yet, but Snoke had no security, he had no need for it. That made their job both easier and completely impossible.

They'd have no problem reaching him, but he'd know they were there. Snoke would know that he was amongst them. And he wouldn't have any qualms with snapping each of their necks.

But he had a bargaining chip. He had that damn ring that had caused him so much trouble. He wasn't stupid enough to physically bring it with him, but he knew exactly where it was -- on a chain around Skywalker's neck. 

If Skywalker still had any sense, he would've left Ach-To with Rey. That way even if Snoke figured out where Skywalker had been hiding, that he had the ring, he still wouldn't be able to find them.

That would keep Snoke from killing him immediately, the other Knights wouldn't be as lucky.

But Snoke didn't know his intentions, as long as they kept their intent to commit treason under wraps, they had a better chance.

As far as Snoke knew, he'd died on Dathomir and reappeared on Jedha months later.

He didn't know that he'd come to end him.

He landed his shuttle, standing as soon as it touched down.

"Keep your mental guards up, the longer he's unaware of what we're here to do, the better. Stay on the ship until I call on you."

He exited and stomped through the puddles of water that formed on the uneven stone path that lead to Snoke's fortress. 

He could feel the Dark side pulling at him, whispering in his ear. He pictured his father, he was the catalyst for everything that was about to happen.

He paused outside the chamber he knew Snoke was in, trying to prepare, he gave up, there was no preparing for this. He entered.

Snoke wasn't surprised to see him.

He immediately dropped and kneeled before his former master.

"You may rise Kylo Ren."

He stood up, standing stiffly.

"Last I was aware, you were dead."

"Yes, master," the word felt vile on his tongue.

Snoke leaned forward, "I wonder, what happened to the bond you and I used to share."

"I do not know," that was a lie, but he couldn't answer without giving too much away.

Now he was nervous, was Snoke going to insist on recreating that connection?

"So, tell me, how did you die?"

"Re- The Scavenger. You wanted her alive. The Night Sisters wanted her dead. I tried to save her," it was partially true, Rey had been responsible for his death.

"So, how is it you're now alive? Months later?"

"The Scavenger. She has compassion"

"Well, you came back to me, why?" Snoke was fishing, he wanted to know if he had the ring.

"We're not done yet," that wasn't a lie, they had unfinished business.

Snoke nodded, seemingly satisfied by his answer.

"We aren't done yet, you've returned without the girl and without the object I originally sent you to retrieve."

"Yes, master."

"So, Kylo Ren, I ask you again, why are you here?"

"You know why I'm here."

"I know you're here to kill me. I know you told your Knights that you're staging a coup..."

He was glad for his helmet so his shock at being betrayed by his Knights didn't show. He wasn't supposed to be surprised by that.

"… but I know that isn't the real reason you're here."

This wasn't going as planned, he needed help. He needed her help. Shame threatened to consume him, but he opened himself up to her nonetheless. He was immediately greeted by a rush of her inherent goodness. He knew Snoke sensed it too.

"You came because of the scavenger. Apparently compassion isn't a fault that solely lies with her."

He removed his helmet, he couldn't hide for this, "I came for myself."

"Why? Without me, you're alone. You think your mother your uncle will accept you back after you murdered your father in cold blood? Do you think the galaxy could ever forgive you for your crimes. How many people have you murdered on my behalf Kylo Ren?"

He clenched his jaw. 

"You never were one to think things through," Snoke waved his hand dismissively.

He could sense his former knights in the outer chamber. Ready to ambush him. It was strange of Snoke to decide to dispatch of him in such a humane way.

He tightened his grip on his helmet. As soon as one of the knights reached for the door he spun around, smashing the knight's helmet against his own. It made a sickening crack.

While that knight tried to regain his bearings, he flicked on his lightsaber, watching the fiery blade come to life.

He was grateful he'd trained so extensively wielding his saber with one hand as he Force choked one knight and engaged another in a blade lock. 

He felt the life slip from the one in his Force choked and he immediately switched to a two handed grip, twisting the hilt to burn his opponent with a side jet, they yelped and dropped their weapon, he took the opportunity to decapitate him.

A darker part of him had missed the rush that came with taking someone's life.

It wasn't long before he was standing alone, drenched in sweat, surrounded by fallen Knights.

Snoke appeared to be more pleased than he'd ever seen him.

"It turns out you’re not a lost cause after all Kylo Ren."

Breathing heavily, he managed to say, "Trust me, I am. Your hold on me is gone. You know it."

Snoke's face contorted with rage, "I made you, I can destroy you-"

"But you won't," not once in his life had he ever interrupted Snoke before, "because I still have something you need."

"You know I can take whatever I want."

He bit back the absurd desire to laugh, "Not this."

"I taught you everything you know, there's nothing you can keep from me."

"I did retrieve what you sent me to Dathomir for, I know exactly what it is, what it does, why you want it, and, unlike you, I know where it is."

"I can simply pull the location from your mind."

"I'll tell you the location. Skywalker has it. And given how long you've searched for him, only to fail, you'll never find it."

"And the scavenger, Skywalker, your mother will never find you. The only other person alive who knows of this place is more than happy to watch you suffer. I will torture you until the day you die."

"I don't doubt it. But Rey and probably the entire Resistance know where this place is. We can talk to each other through the Force, sense where the other is. She's coming here now," that last part was a lie, he'd let her see where he was and then immediately cut her off again so that Snoke wouldn't notice, he didn't know if anyone was coming.

"Are you really that weak Kylo Ren? Letting the Scavenger fight your battles for you? Putting her in danger like that?"

Snoke curled his gnarled hand, slowly cutting of his ability to breath, but he managed to gasp out, "She doesn't need anyone's protection."

"Besides, she didn't come alone," it was Skywalker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting so close to the end! I think...


	21. Chapter 14 (Rey’s Perspective)

She’d scanned the entirety of the star map of the galaxy, looking for the markers that indicated the presence of the First Order.

Leia was pacing on the other side of the room.

She nervously looked up; Luke was staring at her with a peculiar look on his face. He quirked an eyebrow.

She tried to offer a reassuring smile, it probably looked more like a grimace. She watched as he approached his sister and gently lead her out of the room. 

Once she was alone she let out a wounded groan, cradling her head in her arms.

She shouldn’t have given the general hope that she could find Kylo.

She startled when the door suddenly opened again. It was Poe.

“How’s it going?”

“Not well,” she grumbled, “the First Order has operations all over the galaxy, how the hell am I supposed to find him?!” 

She didn’t bother specifying who she was talking about.

“I thought you could, you know, talk to him, through the Force?”

“I can, but he’s not responding. All I know is that he’s still alive. Do you know what each of these First Order locations are for?”

“Most are military related. Some are weapons manufacturing. Nothing on the level of Starkiller as far as we know.”

“What about the Knights of Ren?”

“Knights of Ren?” Poe clearly had no idea what he was talking about.

“I need to talk to Finn.”

“Uh, are you sure that’s wise. I mean the last—“

“I just need to ask him a few questions.”

“Tell me what questions to ask and I’ll do it.”

“I’m not going to hurt him!”

“I know, but if he knows this involves Ben, he won’t cooperate.”

She nodded. Following him out into the hallway and letting him lead her to the interrogation rooms.

“I need to know where the Knights of Ren operate from, how many there are, and where to find Snoke.”

“Wait in here,” he opened a door for her and gently nudged her forwards.

She looked around her surroundings. It was entirely plain except for one gigantic window, with Finn on the other side. 

What was Poe thinking? Finn wasn’t supposed to know she was here. But he hadn’t noticed her. She knocked on the glass, nothing. 

Poe walked into the room, “Hey, Finn, how’s it going in here?”

“Oh you know, I’ve been keeping busy, as you can tell, there’s a lot to do in here. When are you guys gonna let me out? I know the only reason I’m in here is because I know about Ren.”

Poe sat down and sighed, “I don’t know, but in the meantime I have some questions I need you to answer.”

“What for?”

“We need the locations of some First Order installations and you might be able to help.”

“Shoot.”

“Where is Snoke?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean where is he? Is he on a ship, a space station, a planet, a moon?”

“Some planet in the Unknown Regions. I don’t know the name or the coordinates.”

“Unknown Regions, ok, we can work with that,” Poe glanced at her.

“Someone listening in on this conversation?”

“Someone is always listening on conversations that take place in here.”

“What else do you want to know?”

“Where do the Knights of Ren operate out of?”

“This has something to do with Ren, doesn’t it? He’s gone rogue hasn’t he? Is Rey the one watching? Rey, I told you, you can’t trust him!”

“Finn, just answer the question.”

Finn rolled his eyes, “Their base of operations were on Starkiller, I imagine they’re all crammed onboard the Finalizer now, minus Ren. Unless he hasn’t already rejoined them.”

“How many of them are there?”

“I don’t know, at least five?”

Poe nodded, and headed for the door saying in a much friendlier tone, “I’ll be back later Finn.”

She met Poe back in the hallway

“Want to tell me what the hell happened on Ach-To?”

“Nope.”

“I’ll figure it out eventually, but for now, we need to focus on possible locations in the Unknown Regions.”

They brought up the map of the Unknown Regions. 

“This is where Starkiller used to be,” Poe said pointing at a glaringly empty spot in the map, “and this is where we have confirmed recent activity,” he pointed at another star system. 

“Do we have a location on the Finalizer?”

“No, but these are all the places it has ever been confirmed to be located in the Unknown Regions,” he said as numerous points lit up.

“Can you find a point of convergence for all these? Snoke has to be somewhere in there.”

“Already done, so what happens from here?”

“I go to those coordinates and hope I can figure out where Kylo actually is.”

“Ok, two things. One, you absolutely are not going by yourself and two, hope?”

“He still won’t let me in,” she muttered.

“Rey, I don’t want to be the one to bring it up, but have you considered that he doesn’t want you to find him because he’s actually gone back to serve Snoke?”

“He wouldn’t do that,” she said dismissively.

“How can you be sure?”

“I just know.”

He gave her a look that meant he knew she wasn’t telling him everything, but he dropped it, “So who all is going with us?”

“It’s just going to be me and Luke.”

“Rey, be realistic, it can’t just be you and Luke. This is Snoke.”

“Kylo was our responsibility, I’m not risking your life to save him from getting himself killed.”

“But you’re risking yours.”

She offered him a small smile.

Poe shook his head, slightly amused, “Let’s go get the General and Luke.”

They found the twins conversing in the hanger. At the sound of their footsteps, Leia immediately turned towards them, anxiety written all over her face.

“General, we have a location.”

She could tell Leia was trying not to become overly emotional and simply nodded. She turned to Luke, “Bring my son home.”

Luke nodded solemnly.

Once they were out of D’Qar’s atmosphere and she was entering the coordinates, Luke said, “You didn’t really find him, did you?”

“No,” she sighed.

“So where are we going?”

“The center of all known First Order activity in the Unknown Regions.”

“You’ll be able to sense Ben from there, even with him cutting himself off from you?”

“No, but we might be able to sense Snoke.” 

It came out as more of a question than she would’ve liked.

“Relax, you’re not the one Leia is going to murder if we don’t bring Ben back,” he actually chuckled.

Luke was apparently much more confident than she was.

They were getting closer and closer to their destination, she still couldn’t sense anything and began blindly pulling at the Force, hoping for any kind of response.

She started to worry that they were too late, that he was already dead, when he suddenly opened his end of the bond and she immediately immersed herself in his mind.

She was just as quickly shoved out, but not before gleaning his location and that his plan had failed. 

Immediately lunging forward and pushing Luke to the side, she scrambled for the controls to change their destination.

“Rey! What are you doing?”

“I know where he is,” she said hurriedly, redirecting them to a planet slightly further into the Unknown Regions than where they were headed, “his plan with his Knights, it didn’t work.” 

“I can admit when I’m wrong, and in this case, I’m glad you’re as stubborn as you are.”

They were close to dropping out of hyperspace when Luke told her to conceal her Force signature, they needed to make sure neither Kylo nor Snoke knew they were close.

Once they broke through the atmosphere they began scanning for indicators of where Snoke and Kylo were on the planet.

She spotted his command shuttle on a cliff and the treacherous path that connected it to the adjacent rock formation.

Luke set the ship down at the base of the cliff, “It’s a good thing you know how to climb Rey.”

She would’ve laughed had she not been so anxious to get to Kylo.

They scaled up the cliff in silence.

As she followed behind Luke, winding their way through the fortress she heard Kylo rasp, ”She doesn't need anyone's protection.”

She smiled despite herself, he finally learned that she didn’t need to be saved from anyone, especially him.

"Besides, she didn't come alone," Luke had walked into the chamber.

She quickly followed him inside.

Snoke released Kylo from his grasp and he dropped to the floor, coughing.

She fought back her desire to run to him and make sure he was ok, she couldn't show case that type of weakness.

Besides he was already standing.

She tried to make eye contact with him, he pointedly ignored her. He even kept her blocked out of his mind.

But she couldn’t really blame him, they needed to focus.

“Skywalker,” the ancient creature almost spoke in a growl, he leered forwards, “and the Scavenger.”

She unconsciously shrunk backwards. She nearly tripped. Looking down she saw it was a helmet. A helmet with a head in it. The body it belonged to was laying a good distance away. A lightsaber had been the one to separate them. 

She felt bile rise in her throat. Kylo had done that. Of course he’d done that. He’d had to, or else he’d be dead.

She’d known he’d murdered people. She’d seen him murder his own father. This shouldn’t be different, it was even in self defense.

But it was different. Because before, when he’d touched her, she could pretend he was no longer a cold blooded killer. 

That shattered her illusion. He was still a cold blooded killer, he was just killing for a different cause now.

She was glad he’d avoided her gaze. She didn't want to look at him.

Luke, for his part, had ignored the carnage around them and went straight towards Snoke.

“I figured it was about time we met.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 more chapters after this! There's gonna be some lame action, some lame romance, and a poorly written HEA, but it was fun to write. <3


	22. Chapter 15 (Kylo Ren's Perspective)

He’d struggled to catch his breath, his windpipe felt partially crushed, but he finally got enough oxygen moving through his system to stand back up.

He’d felt Rey’s eyes on him, felt her tugging on their bond. He ignored both. He didn’t want to give Snoke any additional leverage over him.

“Skywalker and the Scavenger,” Snoke had leaned in, eyeing Rey and from the corner of his eye he saw her step back ever so slightly. 

He briefly looked back to see what she was about to step on. He swallowed hard and clenched his fists.

There wasn't anything he could do to stop her from becoming aware of the bodies laying around her. The one’s he’d killed.

He glued his eyes to the ground directly in front of him as he experienced her realization and disgust second hand. She put her mental defenses up.

“I figured it was about time we met,” Luke’s voice drew him out of his thoughts of general self-loathing.

“I couldn’t agree more, I’ve been searching for you a long time.”

“I’m well aware, though I’ve heard you actually feared my return.”

It was strange how cordial they were being.

“And yet, you were the one in hiding.”

“Hiding, yes, but not from you. That honor goes to my homicidal nephew.”

Part of him just wanted to back out of the room and leave the two of them to talk things out, but he needed to be the one to kill Snoke.

He at least wanted to get Rey out of here. He didn’t want her to see the darkness he was capable of.

_You should leave, he won’t try to stop you, Skywalker is more important to him than either of us._

_I’m not leaving Luke._

There was a time when she would’ve said she wasn’t leaving him. It was nice while it lasted.

“This conversation is nice and all, but we’re just delaying the inevitable.”

Snoke actually stood and stepped down from his throne, “And what is this inevitable outcome?”

Luke took a few steps backwards, nudging a body out of the way with his boot in order to draw Snoke out further, “We duel until one of us tires and the other, using this advantage strikes the killing blow.”

Snoke was on level ground with the rest of them now. He shifted slightly towards Snoke’s throne.

“And our respective apprentices…?” Snoke continued to advance on Luke

“Won’t join you,” Luke loosely gripped his saber, backing up even more.

Snoke and Rey both had their eyes glued on Skywalker. The room caving in wouldn’t have distracted them.

He, on the other hand, was focused on getting towards Snoke’s throne. Luke had given him a near imperceptible nod, indicating that he needed to move into the most strategic position he could find — which meant getting to the high ground.

He briefly looked back at Rey, she was openly holding the Skywalker saber in a vice like grip. 

_You need to relax your stance._

She didn’t say anything in response, but did release of some of her tension. At least she was still receptive to his advice.

“So it’s me against you, a Jedi well past his prime, a barely trained scavenger and the boy whose every move is one he got from me.”

“Something like that.”

Snoke did something that he hadn't witnessed in years, he actually reached into his robes for his lightsaber.

It was a formidable weapon, crimson and double-bladed that he used with surprising agility for as frail as he appeared.

Rey saw this as well and, with brashness similar to what he’d managed to keep under control in duels for the most part, ignited her saber and immediately used what had quickly become her signature move, a sharp stabbing motion that was difficult to block unless you were expecting it.

Snoke had anticipated this, having ripped the memory of their first fight out of his mind, and quickly moved out of the way, he still hadn't ignited his saber.

“So the desert rat wants to play.”

She went for him again, this time Snoke blocked her and immediately began to attack, using his saber like it was a staff. 

Her distraction provided him with the opportunity to easily cross the rest of the room.

The only reason she hadn't been killed immediately was because she was familiar with the attacks used with a staff and knew how to parry them. She really needed to build her own saber staff, that form of fighting was much more natural for her. 

Skywalker finally intervened with his green saber when Snoke had cornered her and instead of cutting her down reached out his hand to tear though her mind.

He’d done it with the purpose of pulling out information he needed, Snoke was doing it for his own sadistic pleasure. He was nearly incapacitated by the pain that was bleeding through their connection.

Snoke had been so focused on torturing Rey that he was actually caught off guard when Skywalker used the Force to call Snoke’s saber to him. He wasn't successful, but it distracted him from Rey, who immediately dropped to her knees trying to piece the shredded bits of her mind back together.

He almost ran to her, but he stayed put, waiting for Luke to push Snoke into the opportune position for him to join in the fight.

He’d forgotten how skilled of a dueler Skywalker was, he had a hard time tracking his blade once he stopped blocking Snoke’s saber and began using the vicious overhanded attacks that allowed him to fight taller opponents with the maximum amount of strength.

The advantage provided by Snoke’s doubled bladed saber was nullified because Skywalker knew that you only needed to know where one blade was to know where the other one was going to strike next.

The intimidation factor that usually overwhelmed Snoke’s opponents didn’t affect Skywalker in the slightest.

He could tell Snoke was surprised by that and before he could adjust his fighting style, Skywalker pushed his advantage, driving Snoke back towards Kylo. Snoke resorted to simply blocking Skywalker’s blows.

Snoke hadn’t had to fight that way in a long time, in fact he’d never taught him how to properly defend himself, focusing more on teaching him how to regain his advantage over an opponent.

Which is how he recognized that when Snoke began to swing his free arm out he was planning on Force pushing Skywalker. 

They weren’t close enough for him use the high ground as effectively as he’d hoped and Rey was getting back up. but he knew she wouldn’t get to Skywalker soon enough to stop what was about to happen, so he leapt. He hadn't been quick enough to prevent Skywalker from being flung backwards, but he managed to cut off Snoke’s free hand, simultaneously slicing the hilt of his saber in half. 

Enraged, Snoke rounded on him. He hadn't actually dueled with Snoke in at least five years, and it hadn’t gone well for him. Still, Snoke was down a hand and a blade, which allowed him to get up close and personal, where he excelled and could put the jets on the sides of his hilt to use.

He burned Snoke when they were in a blade lock, but he simply stepped out of it, and with Snoke towering over him, it was impossible for him to block in coming blow.

It never came, Rey had stepped in and prevented Snoke from slicing in half, head to toe.

Snoke’s one bladed fighting style was very similar to his own, and Rey was having a significantly harder time fighting him than she had before. 

Snoke broke through her defenses and dragged his saber up from the bottom of her right ribcage to her left collarbone. She fell back, her skull making a horrifying sounds as it made contact with the ground.

Snoke leaned over her body splayed on the ground, he was going to stab her in the her in the gut, to make sure she died in excruciating pain.

This couldn't happen. She wasn’t supposed to die, that was his destiny.

He ran forward, Snoke’s back was to him, this was his chance to end things. He shoved his saber through Snoke’s back, stabbing him in the heart.

He wished he could’ve done it facing him.

He wrenched his saber out of Snoke, he may have impaled him entirely, but he wouldn’t go down that easily.

Snoke turned around to face him, not only was he still standing, but he was preparing to raise his saber again.

He used a backhanded upwards swing to decapitate him.

Snoke’s body finally crumpled to the floor.

He immediately went to check on Rey, and he was overwhelmed with relief.

She was alive. She had a nasty gash across her torso, though it had been shallow enough that there wasn’t any apparent critical damage and it had cauterized itself so she wasn't in danger of bleeding out. He looked closer, her lowest ribs were visible and partially charred. 

But she was unconscious, which wasn't a good sign.

Before he could say anything, Luke, he was going to start calling his Uncle by his first name again, was by his side.

“She needs bacta, a lot of it, there’s some on the ship we came in, but it’s a good ways away.”

“There’s s a med kit on my shuttle. Carry her to it, I’ll get Snoke’s head.”

Luke picked her up, she was limp in his arms, “Moving on from breathing in the ashes of your enemies to creating a collection of heads of your enemies?”

“We need proof that he’s dead, I don’t think they’ll take the word of a war criminal, a girl with no record of even being born, and the son of Darth Vader.”

As they applied bacta to Rey’s wounds he asked, “Where did you hide that ring? I’m assuming you didn’t bring it with you.”

“I stashed it on the Falcon when I took Finn back to the Resistance, figured it was safest there.”

“You let me leave with it still onboard?”

“I knew you wouldn’t let anything bad happen to the Falcon.”

Once they finished applying attending to Rey he began to exit the shuttle.

“Where are you going?”

“To the ship you and Rey came in.”

“I can pilot that one and you can bring Rey back to the Resistance.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Your mother misses you, you know. She told me to bring you home.”

“I’m going to Jedha to get the Falcon, that’s close enough,” he left before Luke could say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the action sequences, I don't actually know how to write action.


	23. Chapter 16 (Rey's Perspective)

She woke up in a med bay, she knew it was a med bay because the walls were excessively white and the lights too bright. She tried to sit up, but was engulfed in pain and immediately laid back down.

That spike in pain apparently alerted someone that she was awake and Dr. Kalonia came into view.

“Welcome back Rey, how are you feeling?”

She blinked a few times, still feeling sluggish, “Sore.”

“In addition to a severe concussion, you had quite the nasty wound across your chest. It wasn’t deep, thankfully, but it cut through some very sensitive flesh and your ribs were damaged, so it’s going to hurt for quite some time.

“Where’s —“ she didn’t know who to ask for. She could only talk to a select few people about what had happened.

“The General should be here in a couple minutes.”

She leaned back against her pillows, letting out a shallow sigh. The General, the General was good. Leia could answer her questions.

She hated being stuck in recovery, hated doing nothing. She was about to attempt to get and leave, only partially healed and in pain, when Leia finally entered.

Leia immediately eased her back into the hospital bed, “I’m so glad you’re safe, that nothing worse happened…”

“What did I miss?”

“The First Order has fractured, various generals all tried to take complete command. The New Republic is in the process of hunting them down. The was is over, we won, now we just need to clean up the mess left behind.”

“What about Luke? Is he ok?”

“Luke’s fine, he wanted to be here when you woke up, but he’s been dragged into various meetings with the higher ups of the Republic. Poe’s been waiting out in the hall since you got here…”

It looked like there was something more she wanted to say.

Part of her wanted to ask about Kylo, but another part of her didn’t want to know what happened to him. She could tell he was alive, she could be satisfied with that. Wherever he want, whatever he did, whoever he killed didn’t matter, he wasn’t her responsibility anymore, she elected not to care.

“Finn’s waiting outside too.”

“What? You let him out?”

“After he signed an official classified document saying that if he breathed a word of what he knew he would be permanently assigned to creating and running a base of Jakku, yes.”

She started to laugh at that, Finn’s hatred of Jakku was intense, but she quickly stopped — her ribs felt like they’d been set on fire.

“What about K-“

“You, my brother, and Snoke’s head returned; Ben didn’t.”

She nodded, not really knowing what to say. She’d never had a mother who wanted her, more than anything, to simply come home. 

The two of them slipped into silence.

“Thank you, Rey.”

“For what?” 

“You saved my son, multiple times, in multiple ways.”

“He didn’t come back with us.”

“You still did more than enough,” she patted her leg and stood up, “I’ll let Poe and Finn know you’re up.”

They both rushed in as soon as Leia opened the door.

She wasn’t sure how to start the conversation, thankfully Poe broke the ice, “Good to see you in one piece.”

“It’s good to be in one piece.”

“I’m really glad you’re ok Rey,” Finn spoke quietly.

She offered him reserved smile. 

Sensing the awkward silence falling around them, Poe interjected, “And I’m really glad you’re no longer being detained.”

“Yeah, that sucked. But Snoke’s dead and Rey’s alive, so it’s water under the bridge.”

“Thank you Finn,”

“Just do us a favor Rey, stick around longer than a week before you go off to train again.”

“Given the state of my ribs, I think I’ll be here for a while.”

“Well being in the med bay sucks, so we’ll leave to rest up, might get you out of here faster.”

“Bye guys.”

She was left alone again. Heeding Poe’s advice, she allowed herself to drift off to sleep. When she awoke the next time, Luke was sitting in the chair he’d apparently pulled up to her bed.

“You here to rescue me from this place?”

“Actually, I’m here to make sure you stay put.”

“When are we going back to Ach-To?”

“You can go back as soon as you’re released for here, but I think I’m going to stay put for the time being. I don’t think Leia would forgive me if a left anytime soon. Are you really so anxious to leave already?”

“No, just want to know what’s coming.”

“For now, just focus on healing. Worry about the rest later.”

She nodded, pulling at the loose threads in the blanket covering her, “And Kylo?”

“He went to retrieve the Falcon, but he’s fulfilled his purpose now; he has some important decisions to make about what his future is going to look like.”

“He’s not coming back is he?”

“Probably not.”

She tried to be happy about that, it meant she didn’t have to deal with her conflicting emotions for him. She could even have Luke teach her how to permanently sever their connection.

“Rey, whatever you’re thinking or feeling, don’t act on it until you’ve deeply considered the consequences.”

“I have.”

“You have a concussion. If I gave an old Jedi text you wouldn’t be able to focus enough to read it. You need to rest.”

She considered protesting, saying that she was fine, but she knew that she was in bad shape. She huffed impatiently, she just wanted to get out of the med bay and the uncomfortable hospital gown they’d put her in, “Fine.”

Luke got up and walked towards the door, “Get some sleep Rey.”

She was woken by Dr. Kalonia prodding at the wound running across her torso. 

“How much longer do you think she’ll need to stay here?” Leia peered from behind the doctor.

“She can wander around the base with supervision after I’m done with this check up, but she needs to spend one more night in here. We need to monitor her sleep while she recovers from her concussion. After that she’s free to go.”

She groaned, she was fine, still sore, but fine.

“I’ll walk around with you outside after this, ok Rey?”

She and Leia walked past the hanger on their way outside the base, she caught a glimpse of Kylo’s command shuttle. It’s sharp angles and sleek design made it stand out amongst the other Resistance ships.

“What are they going to do with his ship?”

“No decision’s been made yet, it’s Ben’s ship, he should be the one to decide.”

Leia, Luke, Poe, Han before Kylo murdered him, they all called him Ben, but he’d specifically said that his name was still Kylo.

“Why do you still call him Ben, after everything he’s done?”

“He’s my son. No matter what, he will always be my son, and I will still love him. It may be foolish, but it’s true.”

She was silent as she ruminated about the enigma that was Kylo. She tried to reconcile Ben, Leia’s son and Luke’s nephew, with Kylo Ren the monster, the murderer, and with Kylo the person who was in love with her, the person that despite everything she was in love with. 

It made her head hurt. 

Once alone, she reached across their bond, she needed to talk to him, to see him.

She could tell he didn’t want her to peruse through his mind, but that familiar burn that made her wonder how he could bear to be inside his own head was gone. Still, he gave no indication that he knew she wanted him to come back, or that he was even consciously aware of her presence.

Reaching for him through the Force had been draining. She tried to stay awake, but the need to close her eyes eventually overwhelmed her.

She woke up sometime later, someone had evidently realized that sleeping with the harsh lights of the med bay on was near impossible and turned them off for her.

But there was light streaming in through the door, partially blocked by the figure causally leaning against the frame.

She couldn’t actually see his face, but there was no doubt it was Kylo, no one else she knew was that unnecessarily tall.

There wasn’t any way that he was actually there, she was hallucinating. She ignored that hallucinations were a sign that her head injury was getting worse and opted to attempt to find a more comfortable position to sleep in.

With her damaged ribs that was apparently impossible and she couldn’t get rid of the feeling that her hallucination was watching her.

She got up to close the door on her hallucination, wishing it away hadn’t worked.

The hallucination grabbed her arm when she began to shut the door. 

It wasn’t a hallucination; Kylo was actually here. 

“What are you doing here?” she was whispering, she didn’t know if anyone else was aware of his presence.

Confusion flickered across his face, “I though you wanted to see me.”

“You can’t be here. You’ll get arrested or shot on sight.”

He leaned down towards her, “Do you want me to leave?”

She looked up at him in exasperation. She wanted him to leave the base. But she didn’t want him to leave her.

“Rey, do you want me to leave?” he had the same feral look in his eyes that had been there when he’d kissed her.

“I… Yes. I want you to leave.”

He was inches from her face, “No you don’t,” and then he turned away, heading into the hallway.

He was right and she grasped his arm, “Wait.”

He bore down on her, “You told me I need to make up my mind. I did. Now it’s your turn. Until then, you’re right, I shouldn’t be here.”

She stopped him again, “I have.”

He paused, apparently not expecting her to have already come to a conclusion. But it was inevitable, they were inevitable, and she needed to stop looking for reasons to be scared.

“And?” he asked nervously.

Did he really think she might reject him?

She reached towards his face, again tracing the scar she’d given him before stepping away from him.

She looked down, keeping her eyes focused on the ground, terrified of what she was doing, but she still fumbled with the ties on her hospital gown, eventually allowing it to slip off her shoulders.

She felt incredibly vulnerable standing there in front of him with only her underwear and bandages to cover her.

Shifting slightly on her feet, she finally looked back up at him. He was staring at her the way he had on Starkiller, in complete awe. She reached for his hand, dragging it to the end of the bandage, silently telling him that it was ok for him to remove it.

He did so gently, never taking his eyes off her face.

Finally, the bandage fell away entirely. He still didn’t look down, but she did, again taking his hand. This time she placed where the scar running across her torso began.

He briefly looked down, but quickly made eye contact with her, asking for permission. She nodded and he slowly ran his fingers along the scar, careful not to apply too much pressure.

She closed her eyes and let out a pleased sigh as he traced the scar back down to her waist.

“Rey,” she opened her eyes at the sound of his voice, “I love you.”

She smiled widely at him, “I know.”

He chuckled before leaning down to softly kiss her, cupping her jaw delicately.

They parted slowly, their kiss lingering on.

“I love you too,” she whispered as she stepped away from him.

She walked to the other side of the room towards the chest of drawers she knew contained her possessions.

She slid her pants and boots on with ease, but she had to gingerly put on her breast band, trying to avoid disrupting the newly formed scar.

She began struggling to work her tunic on when Kylo pulled the fabric out of her hands, wrapping his old cloak around her. He gathered the rest of her belongings. 

“Is the Falcon in the hanger?”

“Yeah, near my old command shuttle.”

“Could you be any more reckless?”

“You know I could.”

They stole through the base silently, no one was around this time of night, and quickly made it to the Falcon.

Once on board they were greeted by Luke and Leia.

“Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye to me Ben?”

Kylo looked down sheepishly.

“Well?”

“I didn’t think you’d really want to see me after what I did to my father.”

“Your father forgave you, I’ve forgiven you as well.” 

Leia stepped forward to hug her son for the first time in over a decade, he greedily returned the embrace.

It was almost comical how much larger Kylo was compared to Leia.

Finally, Leia let go of Kylo. As she and Luke exited the Falcon, the said “May the Force be with you.”

Once surrounded by the inky blackness of space, Kylo asked her, “Where to now?”

“Somewhere green.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Valentine's Day, here is the HEA - you guys deserve it after putting up with all the angst and my lengthy hiatuses.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading, this story became so much bigger and better than I’d ever dreamed, at it’s all because of you guys <3 I’ve always been very insecure in my capabilities as a writer (sorry if anyone was too ooc), so it’s meant everything to me to have your support and I love reading each and everyone of your comments. Basically I love all of you for giving me the inspiration and drive to keep going with this story.
> 
> I’m actually working on another story. It’s going to be very Kylo-centric with hints of Reylo. So if you liked “A Broken Connection,” you might like this next on, it’s going to be titled “Torn Apart” and I’ll post the first chapter soon.


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